3 August 2015

Clam Before The Strum

So, is he going to Show up?

Nnn... at this rate, it's starting to get more and more unlikely. I mean, he was pretty ticked off that we refused to address him by his proper name, but there's already a Shou on this island. We can't have two.

Dang it. And I'd prepared a party hat and a T-shirt introducing him as the latest peon to join Bunbunmaru Updates. How's he even surviving, it's not like he's receiving handouts from Okuu's Look-alike and the other islanders, is he?

Well... considering that his biodata said he had a reputation for stealing, it's entirely possible that he could be getting on in his own way...

Something sounds so wrong about this line. And what else can you think of that smells like a wet dead fish?

So, the old five-finger discount. I'd be surprised if he's able to pull it off, though. You know those wooden-headed robots that run the stores around here? They don't mess around when it comes to shoplifters. Where do you think they get their fuel to operate? Certainly it's not from combusting the accumulated contents of the latrines on this island!

He seems gentlemanly enough, though. Certainly more than you, Kiba. He might have been able to convince someone well enough to persuade them to feed him despite his status as a layabout and a rogue.

You're kidding, I mean, look at me! I'm way more destitute and in need of handouts than some lamer like him. I mean, all I have are the clothes on my back, a laptop, and multiple MMORPG accounts with rare items and in-game currency. If anyone deserves to be fed, it's a poor buried talent like me!

Or, you know, you should get a job instead of playing computer games all day...

Implying I'm not doing anything right now... oh, whatever. I'm saying there's no way he could have persuaded someone to feed a good-for-nothing like him. Maybe he stole something valuable, sold it, and used the profits to buy himself a meal.

Speaking of which, there's been a report recently from the Mii Wear clothing shop that a certain extremely expensive item has gone missing recently, and if it turns up anywhere the finder is encouraged to bring it back... or face being hunted into extinction.

   That's right, I got the most expensive thing that's possible to get from those fairground goodie bags. And I already have it...

Lost, expensive Jewel Dress? Coo... maybe I should go look for it and bring it back to claim a reward. Besides, it's not like I'd steal it or anything. Why would I want a dress, dresses are for girls.

Don't worry, Kiba. It's not like anyone suggested for a single moment that your deepest greatest desire is to wear a girly dress.

That's right.... hey, what's that supposed to mean?!  

No, nothing at all. It's pretty clear that you'd never wear a dress unless someone paid you a lot of money to do it, and make you stand at the top of the mountain and do a silly pose.

Of course I wouldn't, but... where are you getting all these silly ideas from?  I mean, sure, I need money, but I'm not that desperate... or that absurd.

Maybe Show's just gone to cash in on the one of the latest crazes on Gensokyo Island. It's like Gensokyo Island's Funniest Home Videos, except you're filming yourself instead of your cretinous relative or underling.

 Where is this place on the island anyway? And poor pose. 

Ugh, how silly... but this doesn't solve our problem. Show is, well, not going to show. And that means Aya Shameimaru is probably going to dump whatever big project she was planning on top of our heads.

On that, well, I actually got some news in from her the other day, and it's been corroborated with Okuu's Look-alike's office... things might get a little strange within a week's time.

A little strange? What, are they opening the time-space anomaly again? It's been a while since they did that, and for all the problems it helped to fix it just introduced way more. Not to mention... damn it, I'll never forget that mist of blood...

I'm not sure what exactly what was meant, but it seems that Gensokyo Island will be, uh, setting a course for a region of higher traveller density. I haven't a clue what that means myself, but....

You know, Yugen... have you ever taken a look at all these old photographs on the walls of the office? Those Aya took, showing all these travellers from foreign lands, posing with the citizens of Gensokyo Island, whole groups of the lined up at the docks....

What about them?

In all the time I've been on this island, I've never seen such a sight. Assuming the photos weren't faked....

You're saying Gensokyo Island used to be very different in the past? Before... before, well, I can't even conceive of how this island could have been different. It's always looked very much the same to me.

That's exactly how I feel. It's like... it's like this place we're living on right now was like a whole other planet or something. And yet, if it wasn't for all these old photographs, it'd be impossible to tell.

  A whole other planet? Let's not take things too far. We don't want to be accused of discrimination against aliens/demons/tigers/whatnot.

So, Show didn't report for work at Bunbunmaru Updates, and there are rumours of some fundamental shakeup in the near future. If it's any consolation, at least the islanders here have been pretty quiet, which leaves us less things to do and more time to be prepared.

Worrisome, yes, but there's that at least. Wait... it seems here that there's a message for both of us.

Who's it from?  Unusual for anyone to actually want to talk to us...

It's.... Okuu's Look-alike? The message... "Gather your belongings. Be prepared to depart at any moment within the fortnight."

W... what? Depart at any moment? And people still use the word "fortnight"?!

That's what it says. Oh dear... this sounds ominous.


 Gee! It sure is BORING around here!

29 July 2015

Saya Taint So

Hmm... no sign of him. He must have scarpered, or maybe he was just smart enough not to come here. After all, he did hear about us from A...


Kiba, what the heck is wrong with you? What are you yelling about this time?!

What's happened to my eyes?! All I see is ... is meat! The entire world is made of meat! Everything's covered in meat! Oh dear god why?! It's like that damn visual novel where...

Kiba, why the heck do you have Bacon on your face? Did you fall asleep at the desk after yet another late-night gaming session?

Uh.... *blink* ... yeah, I must have fallen asleep right on top of my lunch. Oops.

 Japanese sausage? I hope it's a Sausage from Japan and not a Sausage made out of Japanese...

Gosh, Kiba, you sure can be dumb, like, pretty much all the time. Whole world covered in meat? That's either some peasant's dream or some really blinkered nightmare, it's times like this that I'm glad I'm not addicted to computer games like you are.

Yeah yeah, whatever... *nom*... well, it still tastes... URGH! It's awful, rancid and slimy and disgusting! My perceptions must have been warped by some horrible force to see something as wonderful as bacon as inedible!

Of course it's going to be disgusting. Not only did you leave it out in the open for hours and hours but you slept right on top of it as well. Now enough of your nonsense, I heard from our boss Aya Shameimaru that there would be an interesting new arrival today.

New arrivals? Let me look at those photographs...

 Yeah, they have some of the weirdest things for their "worried" lines... but what can I say? Those who fight demons and all that...

Oh, those? Ramza Beoulve and his son Almaz Beoulve today both indicated that they wanted to expand their families, which is pretty unique as not only are they father and son, but each family has, respectively, only one child. Almaz being the one child of Ramza, while Almaz has one son Adam as well. I wonder if their respective wives Konata Izumi and Koyomi Saigyouji have planned something along those lines as well, it's too coincidental to be...

ARGH! It's horrible, get it away! Awful writhing balls of flesh, pulsing and seething, with random eyes, tentacles, and teeth! Monsters! They're all monsters!

Kiba, would you like a clobbering to snap you out of whatever stupor you're currently in? I'd be glad to oblige.

B... but, it's true...

No it isn't. You must have been having recurring nightmares of those times you spent sleeping rought outside Mii Homes while the wailing of crying babies pervaded your every waking moment. I mean, sure, some babies are pretty hideous given the reproductive history of some utterly horrifying eldritch abominations living on Gensokyo Island like Kyubey Incubator and Desco Kazamatsuri, but the majority of them are pretty tolerable albeit cacophonic.

No, I'm serious! Just look at this photograph! This one here! It's horrible!!!

 Sounds like an accurate description of ... AAAARGHHH!!!!!

Hmm? Who's that? I don't recognise her... ah, it must be the new islander we were told about. Let's see, what's her name... Saya Ougai? Doesn't sound like anyone familiar.


Kiba, shut your screaming before I bludgeon you hard enough to give you an aneurysm.

Don't you see, Yugen? It's already too late! If she looks like a normal person to you then you've already been infected! She's not just an ordinary girl, she's actually a...

Wasn't it you who was screaming about having your perceptions all twisted? You're the one who's messed up, not me. She just looks like a normal...

It's the end of the world! THE END OF THE WORLD!! We're all going to...

Maybe I hit him a little too hard... well, he'd probably be exactly right if he sees everything in terms of gore, considering the amount of blood running down his face right now... 

Besides, this island is already full of freaks, monsters, psychopaths, and supervillains. Even if Saya is actually some truly ghastly monster, one more of them here on Gensokyo Island isn't going to make much of a difference... heck, the more of them there are, perhaps the longer their infighting might postpone the inevitable apocalypse. 

 Chiyo, that's kinda excessive... Kyouko is like the nicest monster you could possibly meet outside Sesame Street.

Mmm... what is this... delicious juice? I must have more...

Kiba, you're still conscious? Ew, what the heck... are you drinking your own... yuck!


Relationships and Marriage
Wriggle Nightbug and Berthold Gregor became Best Friends!

Almaz Beoulve announced that his wife Koyomi Saigyouji was pregnant with their second child!
Ramza Beoulve announced that his wife Konata Izumi was pregnant with their second child!


Island Updates (Population: 64)
Please welcome Saya Ougai, the newest resident of Gensokyo Island! She is an Easygoing Softie.

Relationships and Marriage
Gary Oak and Mister Kimura became Best Friends!
Kyubey Incubator and Suwako Moriya became Best Friends!    

27 July 2015

Dopple Gangster

Mmmph... I'm so full, I could hardly eat another bite! That party was the best!

Eh? Kiba? Is that... free cake you've got there? And I know it's free, because I certainly couldn't imagine you spending your pathetic salary on silly things like fancy coloured cake,

Ah, Yugen... you know me so well already. And yeah, it was totally free! I picked it up in the morning post before you arrived, but it was an invitation to Kanako Yasaka's birthday party! The only other necessary conditions for entry, apart from having an invite, were swearing eternal loyalty to the Moriya Shrine (whatever that is) and agreeing to not see the last two zeroes from her actual age. But surely 20.00 and 20 are the same thing, right?

That hag is 20, really? And that's Kanako's wifey Shanghai at the back with Okuu - I was a little concerned but two were actually getting along well.

Kiba, have you even been reading that invite right? Is eternal loyalty really the kind of thing you should be swearing to people you hardly even know?

Hm? *burp* Well, it didn't matter, I was like the only one in about the tiny handful of people who showed up who weren't already devotees of this Moriya Shrine thingy, so they let me have half the cake! It's like it tastes even sweeter the more I eat of it. You want some?

Ugh, no thanks. I don't feel like signing away my freedom or my eternal soul. And knowing you, you've probably got drool over the whole thing already.

A shame... I even licked it to make sure no one else would take it so I could save it to bring back here for you. Oh well, more for me...

Yeck. Anyway, I met Aya Shameimaru on the way here and she told us we have an extra-special assignment today.

*gobble* ... ahem... Extra-special? How so?

It seems like a new traveller arrived at the docks today, and she told us to pay "very close attention" to them...

A new traveller?! Don't tell me...

 Always good to have more non-robot assaasin travellers show up. But... Shou? Where have I seen that name before.

I know what you're hoping for, Kiba, but unfortunately no, it's a bloke this time around. Again.

Aw, darn it... I swear even without taking into account those kids born recently here on Gensokyo Island, this place is turning into a right sausage fest. Good thing I can find all the girls I need on the Internet, and they're much cuter in 2D too.

Funny that your obsession with 2D girls caused you to miss out on actually building a relationship with 3D girls when you had the chance...

Wait, what did you say?

N... nothing. Anyway, let's just go scout this new fellow out, shall we? 

I could swear I heard.... oh never mind. Let's grab the usual blackmail supplies and go, then. He could be a promising new minion for Bunbunmaru Updates... assuming he isn't a complete loony like Alex, that is... 

  What the... he's so freakishly tall. And these are supposed to be kids... is he the Colossal Titan or something?

So... what do the immigration records say about this guy, before we decide how to best ambush him?

Says his name's ... Shou? Isn't that the name of someone else on Gensokyo Island? And this is only the second island that he's been to... but he's already got a record.

A record? For what? Based on that height in the photograph, he must have won a prize for tallest kid ever or something like that.

No, more like... a criminal record? Says here that he was busted for stealing on various occasions.
Stealing? Whoa, like stealing what? And they still let him onto this island? Man, what are those immigration people thinking...

Actually, it says he has a talent stealing metaphorical and intangible things. Like stealing people's names, manner of speech, even their quirks. So while he technically counts as having stole them, they're still in the possession of their original owners so they didn't actually lose anything... except possibly their temper at having their defining characteristics stolen from them.
Huh... that 's so... mental. At least he's not a religious fundamentalist like the other guy...

Hey, what are you plebs doing standing out there in the middle of nowhere? Are you guys visiting, or just acting as furniture?  Come in, come in, let's have a chat... about the weird characters from anime and video games on this island.

Whoa! Wait... did that bastard just call us "plebs"? Isn't that the kind of thing you used to do before this island beat a bit of humility into you, Yugen?

I'm starting to see why this bad habit of his was remarked on ...

So, if I'm Shou, I should dye my hair a tiger-stripey orange and hang out Captain Murasa, then, since we're bros! But we're not...

Uh... hey there. My name's Yugen, I'm a traveller just like you, but I've been chilling out on this island for about two months now...

And I'm Kiba. I used to be a traveller like you, but then I took a heck of a lot of misfortune to the knee and I've been stuck on this island since February. So you can say I'm pretty much a long-term resident at this point.

You say your name's Shou? But we can't call you that, there's already someone else on this island called Shou. It's Shou Toramaru, who happens to be some sort of tiger-person or something.

Tiger youkai, actually, and she's also the husband of our boss Aya Shameimaru. Er, they're both girls, yes. It's a little complicated, but those youkai sure are a funny sort anyhow...

I see now why Aya told us to handle this... well, apart from the fact that she usually tells us to handle stuff like this while she spends her time taking naughty photographs... ahem. So, yeah, we can't call you the same thing because it might cause a bit of confusion. Can we have an alternative?
Well, it's not unheard of for two people to have the same name... Aliasse Foerster and Minamitsu Murasa have a kid called Drake, while Utonium is also known as Drake Kitazawa, but one's a traveller and the other's a rarely used full name, so... well, let's just call you something different in our report. How about Show

Show? Kiba, though that sounds really daft... well, it's the closest we can do. So what do you think of it, Show?

Wait, wha....


Nothing. Merely a manner of speech I observed from a strange person at the port. Ha ha ha.

Um... well, we'd appreciate if you didn't imitate him. It freaks out poor Kiba over here... yeah, he can be a bit of an arse sometimes but I'd rather have him as his usual self and not a gibbering wreck. 

Sorry. Just my little hobby.

Ahem... all right then. Anyway, here's our business card. Bunbunmaru Updates. Come check us out in the morning if you need a part-time job to earn a little wage while you're here on Gensokyo Island.

... *gibber gibber* ...

Kiba, you can get up from there now, he isn't actually a robot assassin from the future...

 Show's business card. I should mention he was at absolute zero when he first got here... Gensokyo Island is such a generous places!



Happy 20th(?) Birthday, Kanako Yasaka!

Traveller Updates
A boat from Puroro Island arrived. Show of Muu Island arrived, Sasha departed.


24 July 2015

The Six Dollar Mii

Kiba! Astounding, you returned.

... what. Are you saying you were worried about me?

Not exactly. Considering how you almost never go out any more I'd reckoned you must have done it because you were either insane or suicidial. Ah, and here I was trying to pawn all your things off...

WHAT? You most certainly did not do any of that! And where's my laptop?

I figured you wouldn't be needing it any more so I traded it for a bowl of Caviar and a Truffle. Best deal ever.

No way, you most certainly didn't... see, if's just over there. Now stop taking the piss, that's supposed to be my job, and you're supposed to be the straight man.

W.... what. Since you were acting out of character for once, I guess I ought to give it a shot myself. Seems awfully pleasant to behave just like a certain snarky wisecracking prick every once in a while.

J... just shut up, okay! I was on... on assignment. I was meeting the first new fellow who moved in to Gensokyo Island for the last few months, all right?

 Bargon wan chee Cospa Tenchou! Hohohoho....

A... ahem. So, back to my usual meek unassuming self who has to take all your usual crap, what's this new guy Meito Anizawa like?

Oh, you know, the loud, hot-blooded protagonist-type sort of character? Except instead of being an adventurer he runs a comics store instead! I couldn't have asked for a better new friend on this island!

I see. And I gather that since you don't have any money with you he kicked you out of his store for browsing the comics without paying for them. Assuming they weren't hermetically sealed, that is.
N... normally you'd be right. Except that he was too busy trying to get that other girl Konata Izumi to buy something instead, so I managed to spend the time reading the strategy guide for the latest MMO cover to cover! Once I log back in I'm gonna wipe the floor with those noobs...

... when, you know, you should actually have been doing work here at the news office? And you were actually skiving off instead on the pretext of meeting the new resident.
...whoa, man. What's gotten into you? I mean, yeah, you're usually kinda uppity, but having a sense of responsibility to go along with it? Now that's new...

 Boy, boy, boy... also, these kids look wayyy too similar to their dads. I mean, sure, it'd be weirder if they didn't, but... come on.

It's not really a sense of responsibility. It's more like.. frustration, after your boss comes into the office and dumps a whole stack of paperwork on your desk, and the only computer you're allowed to use happens to be owned by your lazy senior co-worker who's trying to take the day off? 

A... ahem. Yeah, that's right. Remind me again why we're such a great team... to think that neither of us had actually done or intended to do a day's worth of work in our lives before coming to this island.

S... shut up and speak for yourself. Anyway, three different families each had a son the other day, and all of the kids look nearly identical to their fathers. It's like mother nature got lazy too and just copied their genes over almost exactly. Well, Reimu and ZUN's tenth child Junto looks a little more like an individual, but it's hard to say that Sanae's son Lucius and Yuuka's son Pierre are anything other than just like their fathers Baldren and Sycamore respectively.

It kinda explains the names too. I mean, what kind of cheesy name is Pierre anyway. At least Lucius sounds way more obviously like a bad guy than Baldren does. But anyway, so I take it that's all, well, that's pretty neat then...

No, it isn't! You think those names are cheesy, what about being inundated with cheesy baby photos and even cheesier catchphrases? I swear to heaven there's more types of cheese on this island than a French supermarket.
Harlan wants to shout it out loud while it's in his head, but Pádraig knows what is good in life.

So I heard... I don't know what's up with Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl's son Harlan, but I hear he cries sometimes while he's lying in bed just to let it all out while it's in his head. Perhaps it's part of the realisation that he has a mouth and needs to scream. On the other hand Patchouli Knowledge and Overlord Mao's son Pádraig just wants a pint... of Milk or Orange Juice, or preferably Spiced Apple Cider. That kid drinks an awful lot for such a youngster.

It's a tale of two Overlords, isn't it? It's surprising that two kids could turn out so differently despite having similar fathers. It's probably because while Harlan resembles his dad, Pádraig goes against the mould and seems to be more like his mom.  

Hmhm.... very cute. But in the end it doesn't matter to Okuu's Look-alike, as long as it's another kid sent out into the world to fuel her wicked plans. That's why pretty much everything's a dime a dozen on this island except contraception and family planning advice.

Ugh... you don't say. What worries me is that the docks are getting overcrowded again. I heard that Alex has been cleaning the place tirelessly as "part of his programming", or so he claimed, but that place is soon going to reach the limits of its livability again...

Really? You heard such a thing? Well... if that idiot alien robot assassin from the future didn't predict such a thing, he couldn't have been all that perfect now, could he? Should have sent a more advanced model, hahaha...


 I've always wondered... why don't they tell you they hate something before actually eating it, if they're gonna rspond like that...

... eep ...

Kiba... Kiba? Hey, what the... are you hiding under the desk again? It's just Aya Shameimaru here to collect our reports... Kiba


Junto was born to Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta. It's their tenth child! He is an Independent Free Spirit.
Harlan, son of Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!
Lucius was born to Sanae Kochiya and Baldren Gassenarl. It's their sixth child! He is an Outgoing Leader.
Pierre was born to Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore. It's their sixth child! He is an Independent Thinker.
Pádraig, son of Patchouli Knowledge and Overlord Mao, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Gensokyo Gourmands
Suika Ibuki tried some Split-Pea Soup today. She thought it was the Worst!



Relationships and Marriage
Wriggle Nightbug and Gary Oak are no longer Best Friends! 

21 July 2015

Not Just Any Mate

Yawn... another boring day at the news office... hey Kiba, I bought snacks from Food Mart just for you, so you don't starve while glued to that computer of y...


Kiba's gone! Where did he go? Ugh.... most certainly I'm not worried about such a lowlife like him. More rather, I don't want to have to toss out this awful unhealthy junk food. I'd never consume such horrid plebeian food myself, so if he doesn't eat it it's just going to stink up the office and go to waste.

Let's just assume Alex didn't actually kidnap him or terminate him. After all, despite all of Kiba's weird conspiracy theories and the rather bizarre things Alex has said, Alex is most definitely not some kind of alien robot cyborg assassin from the future sent back in time to fiddle with events of the past. I mean, his face is just like one of those stone statues.... who'd ever have that kind of idea to build a robot that looks like that, anyway?

Hmm... well ... he may have sneaked off to grab some free food. I noticed a few parties going on outside in the summer warmth, maybe he had the idea that he could mooch some comestibles off of them.

Speaking of mooching, I see a certain drunken Oni has invited herself to both parties...

Minamitsu Murasa celebrated her sixth birthday, and Rin Kaenbyou her nineteenth birthday, which is kind of odd considering that Murasa is a ghost and Orin's some kind of two-tailed demon cat, but maybe these creatures of Japanese folklore count their years a little differently. How old am I, anyway? Well, in comparison I'd say a fraction of their years, so I suppose it fits.

It is kinda strange that a drowned ghost and a hellfire cat would have the same kind of meals at their birthday parties ... omelette and rice with ketchup, what the heck kind of birthday treat is that? Ah well, it couldn't be helped, perhaps Gensokyo Island has only one catering company... and a pretty low-class one at that. But it would be good enough for Kiba... or would it?

It's strange to think of it, but as long as I've known him... well, I'm pretty sure he knows that they give out free food at parties like these, but it's rarely been enough to drag him out of the office, unless he's covering it as part of an assignment. Perhaps it's been something recent that has been surprising and shocking enough to interest him and actually drag him out of the office on its own... 

I guess this is... The Big Cheese. (He lives in little Tokyo)
So... hmm... what kinds of things does Kiba like other than food? In fact, I don't think he likes food so much as he needs it to live... eventually, so I suppose that one can be crossed out. What else does he like... hmm... girls? Does he even like girls, or does he just say that so people stop bothering him about... no, wait, let's not go there.
Well, yes of course! Another thing he likes would be games, and lots of them. But it doesn't make sense, if he uses his computer to play games, why would he leave? Surely his computer isn't bust... well, if it was, he'd either be cracking it open himself or trying to get some of the resident mad scientists like Overlord Mao or Maximillian Magma in to help him out.
On the other hand, hmm... maybe he's gone off to see some new games? I mean, most of this sort of thing makes use of the Internet now, but sometimes once in a while things are still distributed in a hard copy. Or if one wants to try something that's a little more traditionalist, or is it what they call, "retro"?
 Sounds like a great idea, let's test the imapct of futuristic technology on ancient technology. With Pokémon. In SPAAACE!!!
So, other than games, what else would he like that would pull him out of his shell? Oh, yes, Japanese animation and comics, I've seen him looking at those when he's not playing one of his computer games. And speaking of newness... I distinctly recall Okuu's Look-alike mentioning something about inviting new residents to Gensokyo Island for the first time in many moons. Hmm, let's check the records...
Wait, what? Someone new actually moved in? Who could it be... let's see...
Meito Anizawa is his name. Doesn't ring any bells, is he some kind of famous character from a game or series? And his profession... Anime and Manga merchandise store manager...
... oh wait. That explains so much. And that also explains why... why that bastard Kiba ran off with my stockpile of Caviar and Truffles. Ghh.... when I find that thieving miscreant, I swear I'm going to string him up, even if he's in some kind of silly cosplay. 
Happy 6th Birthday, Minamitsu Murasa!
Island Updates (Population: 63)
Please welcome Meito Anizawa, the newest resident of Gensokyo Island! He is an Outgoing Leader.
Happy 19th Birthday, Rin Kaenbyou!

18 July 2015

Parent Pending

Hey... hey Kiba, are you awake?


For heavens' sake, you're either playing games or dozing. Come on, get up already!

... KYAAAA!!!! Alex, I'm begging you! Anything but rats! Do it to Yugen! I don't care what you do to him!

Whaaa... wait, what? Hey, Kiba, what are you on about?!

... eh? This isn't Room 101... Yugen? Aw no, this isn't some kind of circuitous psychological torture, is it? Next thing you're going to stick me in that cage with the rats in it and...

Kiba, what the bloody hell are you talking about? Seriously, pull yourself together, we have an assignment to d.

Huh... Yugen, for real? Better pinch myself, and... *ouch* ... I guess you might be real after all...

That's enough of your conspiracy theories, let's get to work!

Time for our strategy meeting on Slaying Titans... the American Way!

Well, it looks like I can move about, use equipment, it doesn't hurt anywhere... if this is some kind of delayed pain simulator, I'm not feeling anything yet...

Shut up, you're not dreaming! Anyway, Aya Shameimaru gave us some advance warning that there may be some increased activity around the island over the next few days, and she wants us to capture as much of it as we can for Bunbunmaru Updates. 

Really, is that so... so what is this new activity?

Apparently, Okuu's Look-alike wants to step things up in Gensokyo Island after a bit of quiet recently. Supposedly, she's promoting some sort of "productivity drive" and getting islanders to join in.

"Productivity"? Ah... so, cranking up the old baby factory again. Things have been slowed down a lot recently since the bad days of mass reproduction. Kind of like about the time you arrived, when Toritori was still here.

That's right. It seems that Okuu's Look-alike's efforts have paid off, she's got some willing recruits to further her wicked plans.

   We'd say that this outbreak of babymaking has been paternalistic, but we don't want to father any Dadaistic false accusations.

Whoa... that's going to be a whole tide of babyflesh descending on this island over the next few days! It's a good thing that I sleep in the office now instead of in the rought outside Mii Homes, I wouldn't be able to stand the noise otherwise!

And you only sleep here because Aya doesn't come in as often anymore. Maybe she's implicitly trusting you to be working instead of goofing off all the time like you really are. 

I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted in response to that.

Whatever, ahem. Anyway, even Okuu's Look-alike has got in with the 'increased productivity' business. I heard that, after a really long lull, she's finally sending out advertisements to search for potential new residents for Gensokyo Island.

What, seriously? Incredible, it's been ages since the last one, Kagerou Imaizumi, joined us. Several months, in fact. But I'm not surprised no one has showed up so far, this place is nothing short of a slave-driving, soul-crushing, dead-end abyss of awfulness.

Well, there have been some people who came here on their own willingly, even knowing what this place is like... I speak, of course, of the traveller children of Gensokyo Island, some of whom have returned to visit their parents!

 A double celebration for Tadakichi and Tia, with two of their children successful travellers in their own way!

Tadakichi Mihama and Tia Arlert received a double blessing today, as two of their children returned to visit them in a single day, each with their own achievements to report. Notable, of course, was Yves, who reported visiting his seventh island, meaning he's back to tying with Chiyoko, daughter of Shikieiki Yamaxanadu and Chiyo Mihama, as well as Vytautas, son of Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl for the honour of being the most travelled!

I'd say that's really impressive! As for the other one, wait... is that dyed hair I see? Congratulations to that girl... Salvatore, is it? You've reached the pinnacle of a traveller's destiny! Okay... well, it would probably be more impressive to get a brown shirt or better, but getting your hair dyed is already damned awesome.

Hmm, that's pretty lucky, isn't it? Being a successful traveller. I wish I could say the same - staying here on Gensokyo Island's the easy and safe life, but sometimes I'd like to do a little more...


Kiba, you all right? You've suddenly gone quiet...

Shut up, you. I've been here on this island for six months now. Six bloody months. On one hand I can say I'm awfully pleased to still be alive, considering the kind of horrific things we've seen since we were here. On the other hand, though...

Even a bone-idle NEET like you wants to move on eventually, don't you?

N....nopenopenope, you've got it totally wrong, rich boy. I like it here where it's warm, safe, and I can slack around all day and leech off other people's wifi. Just that... well, I don't like my folks getting worried about what's happened to me... 

So, a little worried now, are we? Or in denial about it? 

Eugh, no sappy, namby-pamby talk, please! I'm an independent person, I don't need to be mollycoddled by anyone, and I don't need to have anyone fussing over me!

But you can't help except be reminded of it every day, right? That maybe there's someone out there wondering what happened to you...

S... shut up! That's enough! I don't need any of your psychological warfare! Even just hearing about it makes me ill.

Whatever you say... 

 Soppy sentimentality? Actually having to go out and work? No free Internet? You make me sick



Traveller Updates
Yves returned from Flevance Island to visit his parents Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama! He has visited 7 islands so far.
Salvatore returned from Festaland Island to visit her parents Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama! She has visited 2 islands so far.

Junya Ohta announced that his wife Reimu Hakurei was pregnant with their tenth child!
Augustine Sycamore announced that his wife Yuuka Kazami was pregnant with their sixth child!
Kikuchiyo Kanbei announced that his wife Rin Kaenbyou was pregnant with their first child!

Gensokyo Gourmands
Konata Izumi tried a Capuccino today. She thought it was the Worst!


Baldren Gassenarl announced that his wife Sanae Kochiya was pregnant with their sixth child!

15 July 2015

Blast from the Past

Whew... with that idiot Alex gone from the office, it's finally time for us to do something a little different!

What's so different, Kiba? In the end it's still work, drudgery for our daily bread. In other words, after finally actually seeing our boss Aya Shameimaru for the first time in over a week, what should be the first thing she'd do, but to dump a whole pile of letters and reports on us and tell us to sort it out?

Ah, but that's where the fun lies, silly! Real jobs where you have to slave away at something you hate are what sucks, on the other hand, being able to pry into other people's secrets, private affairs, all that nitty-gritty they've hoped to keep hidden away... that's the real gem, isn't it?

I suppose...

I heard that you've been preying on innocent little girls... now why don't you take a seat over here?

So... the first one... eh? EHHH???

What? Kiba, what the heck is it?

It's a letter from... me? Addressed to... the Kiba of the past. From the Kiba of the future.

What? How is that even possible? Is this some kind of overly-elaborate prank?

N... no way! I don't even have any idea what such a weird letter is doing here! Let me get it open and see what it's about... oh.... oh crap.

I'm getting a little worried when even Kiba stops joking around... what is it? As long as it won't make you explode in a poof due to a time paradox.

Dear Kiba of the past. Beware! It took many efforts to get this letter to reach you, so do not disregard my warnings! You are about to view the contents of some letters, some of which may be too difficult to believe. DO NOT question them. Unfortunately, I did... and now the Ministry of Love has arrested me for doubleplusungoodthink. You know what awaits in Room 101. You DO NOT want to see it. So whatever you do, do not make yourself a target by being some kind of sceptical prick and disbelieving everything you read. Love, Kiba from the future. (P.S. Alex is one of them...) 

There's a giant bloodstain there...

Makes me wonder how it got folded and put into a nice little envelope without blotting right through...  suspicious...

Kyaaa! Just get back to work and.... and put that creepy letter aside. 

Er... ahem... I think I will. Next on the pile...

 I must scream and I have a WHOPPING GREAT MOUTH WITH WHICH TO DO IT!!! (Not for long, you won't)

Seems that Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl have just had their fifth child, Harlan, and he seems the spitting image of his dad. Except more psycopathic rather than right out evil like most demons would be.

Not bad, huh. With a face like that, I'd say it's something right out of a science fiction novel. Terrifying. What more can you say about a family who has produced a grand total of just one non-maladjusted child out of their litter?

Implying that anyone on Gensokyo Island actually fits the sensible definitions of normality... without having been corrupted into it from their usual whackjob, off-the-wall selves. And "only one normal kid"? What other family does that reminds me of, hmm...

 Fithos... lusec... wecos... vinosec...

And the next piece of evidence to demonstrate that Gensokyo Island is a perfectly normal place where anyone could live. We hereby present, the grown-up daughter of a girl with a doll obsession... and an unkillable, reality-warping, soul-stealing alien... hey! Isn't Alice Margatroid wearing almost the same (impossibly stupid) outfit that our idiot boss was wearing some time ago?

An odd coincidence, yes, but It must be the latest fashion in maternity wear... anyway, Gertrud does look awfully cute for such a little thing with a troubled past.

Hmm, there's also a disclaimer here... that reconstructive surgery was definitely not used to transform Gertrud from some horrid misshapen featureless abomination into a relatively normal looking humanoid for the purposes of infiltrating ordinary society and poisoning them with vile and monstrous thoughts. She is most definitely a normal girl... that's what the note says.

Maybe this is what the Kiba of the future was talking about...?

If it is, it's a pretty mild thing to be warning us about. We all know that that awful Okuu's Look-alike performs reconstructive surgery on horribly misshapen children pretty much on a whim. And besides, Gensokyo Island is full of villains, freaks, and abominable monstrosities, another one isn't going to doom the world any more than it already is.

I suppose you're right... let's just move on

Wow... Vytautas? It's been a while... Glad to hear that he's still alive somewhere in Lithuania... I mean Japan.
And now we have a letter here from... who? Wow, I can hardly believe it!
Huh? As long as it's not a letter from my copy from the future...
No, no! It's one of the travellers from way back in Gensokyo Island's history... well, half a year ago, that's almost history. Unlike a lot of those chittering little maggots milling about the docks you see today, this guy's been travelling since before I arrived on Gensokyo Island!
And you've been here pretty long yourself, too. You're practically one of them now!
Ugh, no, I just want to think of myself as... some kind of parasite, leeching off their wifi and clogging up their bandwith with all my online games and illicit downloads... ahem. Anyway, this guy here is Vytautas, the first son of Sukuna and Laharl whom we were talking about just a moment ago! Apparently, the last time he wrote back was all the way back in February, according to our records. That's pretty amazing for him to have survived this long...
Think about what your folks must be wondering about you. Kiba hasn't written back for almost six months, too...
That is... true... but it's not my fault they never check their email... because it's clogged up with spam from all the random weird crap I subscribe to over the Internet. But congratulations to this fellow for leaping up to share the title of Most Travelled Gensokyo Island child together with Chiyoko, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, with 7 islands visited altogether.
 Please! Listen to me! The Archbishop Lazarus, he led us down here to find the lost p... AHHH... FRESH MEAT!!!
Hmm... here's another traveller's letter. Aya wasn't kidding when she said we had a whole stack of stuff to chew through. Who's it from... Belle, daughter of Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore...?
Wait... didn't she visit her parents' home over a week or so ago? And yet... huh? It says that she's only visited one island? And... it's not the same island as the one we've got here on her records... is this some kind of time distortion? What my clone in the future said?
There's a much easier explanation, don't be daft. It must have been the first island she visited, before she went to another one, then made the trip home to see her parents.
Ah, that makes sense... though I find it kind of strange how the traveller herself can get here faster than the letter she sent from the past?
Well... travellers have feet, y'know. Maybe she was making her way back here on her own, while the letter got lost somewhere. It happens...
Lost in the series of tubes, you say. Well... I suppose that's entirely possible, to think about it now... heh, how silly of me to get all suspicious like that... now on to the last one...
 By the Virgin, it be the luck of the oirish! Except... in this case, it was bad luck...
Hmm, it seems that Patchouli Knowledge and Overlord Mao have just had their fifth child, and he looks an awful lot like his mom... 
HEY! Wait, weren't we here before? I mean, we were just reporting about it the other day! That Patchouli and Mao had a kid... surely they didn't have another one! What happened to the old one?
It's in our records somewhere around here, isn't it? Our report from a couple of days ago? And that their kid was called Patrick... now, this one's called Pádraig? Wait, did they get an Irish guy to play the Doctor now? And he's an Independent Thinker instead of being an Outgoing Leader? What the hell's going on here?
Uh, Kiba, I think we should just calm down and accept that maybe there was a mistake somewhere...
I mean, just look, even his face isn't exactly the same as before! I remember it clearly! Now just hold on to this while I dig through those archives! Surely our last report hasn't gone missing so quickly already? It's gotta be somewhere around here...
You know, Kiba, I have a bad feeling that this is what your clone from the future warned you about...
Shut up and help me find it! Damn, where is it? Or did the Ministry of Truth get to it already...
... oh bugger. 
 In place of a boot stamping on a human face forever, here's a picture of Tia Arlert rocking out after receiving Miniplenty-approved Split Pea Soup.

Gensokyo Gourmands
Tia Arlert tried some Split-Pea Soup today. It's her Favourite food!
Traveller Updates
Vytautas, son of Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl, wrote back from Ryuana Island! He has visited 7 islands so far.
Belle, daughter of Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore, wrote back from Meat Island! She has visited 2 islands so far.
Relationships and Marriage
Berthold Gregor and Mister Kimura are no longer Best Friends! 
Harlan was born to Shinmyoumaru Sukuna and Overlord Laharl. It's their fifth child! He is a Confident Go-Getter.
Gertrud, daughter of Alice Margatroid and Kyubey Incubator, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!
Pádraig was born to Patchouli Knowledge and Overlord Mao. It's their fifth child! He is an Independent Thinker.