Kissing Hands, Shaking Babies

After the hubbub of the past week, it's been a surprisingly quiet last couple of days here on Gensokyo Island. Quiet, that is, except for a rabid, mad-eyed Okuu's Look-alike dashing from apartment to apartment, house to house, giving out free clothes and hats, snacks, interiors, all the while screaming obscenities.. I wonder what that was all about?

It seems that someone let the word get out that Okuu's Look-alike really only pays attention to people who actually ask for stuff - so nearly all of Gensokyo Island's residents decided to give it a go over the weekend. Needless to say, Okuu's Look-alike was absolutely raving with anger and frustration. It'slike as if she'd almost reached the end of a thirty-one day march.

In particular, our boss Aya Shameimaru decided that she wanted something interesting to eat over the weekend, perhaps getting a little too tired of deep-throating Tiger brand Hot Dogs. So Okuu's Look-alike decided to feed her Reisen Udongein Inaba instead. Well, almost.

Tonight, I dine on Rabbit Soup!!!

Thanks to all of these factors, news has been a little sparse here on Gensokyo Island and after all the marathons we had to run and hoops we had to jump through last week, it's relaxing to watch someone else (who truly deserves to be punished) doing it for a change. I'm just leaning back on a park bench, shaking my legs and watching the scene, while Kiba's getting back to his weird online games.

Or he would be, if he wasn't so perpetually tormented by the screams and wails of babies being shaken as ferociously as one would a can of soda, so much so that he can even hear them with his headphones on. Two more children were born today on Gensokyo Island, meaning that for him the waking nightmare may never ever end.

Why does the camera zoom in on one but not on the other? Like the mystery of children's names, it's a puzzle that'll never be answered.

It was a mixture of joy and disappointment for proud parents Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta today as they firmly staked their claim for being the most crazy lovin'... I mean most productive parents of Gensokyo Island. In a truly Stakhanovite feat they have brought their eighth child into this world, their fifth son Junpachi. And just like Stakhanov, their feats were extolled while their labour was ultimately expended in vain as it became pretty certain that their kid will never see the inside of a Mii Apartments flat. Most certainly not after the sheer amount of reconstructive surgery Okuu's Look-alike and her cronies had performed on his features.

On the other hand, the truly doll-like complexion of Shanghai Margatroid and Kanako Yasaka's third child, their second daughter Oranda, led Okuu's Look-alike to accept her with open arms. Indeed she has had very little complaint about all three of that couple's children, a level of approval which will forever elude the mix of the realistic and cartoonish in Reimu and ZUN's kids. But what kind of name is Oranda, anyway? Okuu's Look-alike was mulling whether Shinichi Yasaka should have been named something like Franz instead.

Babies that are "beautiful" enough to actually merit Okuu's Look-alike's praise are few and far between indeed. Sometimes they look strikingly appropriate, and at other times they look generically cartoonish (and, where faces are concerned, being generic is a very good thing). And sometimes they're so far out there you can't help but chuckle and smile weakly.

 Honey is a minuature and adorable martial arts master. Mothra is a giant humanoid insect. Hmm, I wonder...

Oh, on the matter of Mitsukuni Haninozuka and Desco Kazamatsuri's recently born child Mothra... y'know, Honey, I've been wondering about that too. You sure DESCO hasn't been doing the dirty with Wriggle Nightbug?

Of course, no daily update about the comings and goings of the Gensokyo Island baby factory would be complete without discussing the day's newest projects. And who should figure this time around but the other of the baby-eating villain pair, Baldren Gassenarl and his wife the equally genocidial but much ditzier Sanae Kochiya? With their fourth child en route, Baldren raised the flag, signalling his intentions to create his own little army of little mass murderers... 

... wait, how does that work, anyway? Baby-eating babies? What, you mean like around 90% of all animals in the world? Puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

I am Baldren Gassenarl, breed me now!

... hmmm, come to think of it, over 90% of all animals don't talk, don't wear clothes, eat food off the ground, poop everywhere they like ... and a slightly smaller percentage of that eat their own babies. I'm sure the analogy still holds, though!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 29th March 2015

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 30th March 2015

Relationships and Marriage

Alice Margatroid and Tia Arlert became best friends!

Utsuho Reiuji and Overlord Mao are no longer best friends!

Children

Junpachi was born to Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta. It's their eighth child! He is an Outgoing Charmer.

Oranda was born to Shanghai Margatroid and Kanako Yasaka. It's their third child! She is an Independent Artist.

Baldren Gassenarl announced that his wife Sanae Kochiya was pregnant with their fourth child! 

Love Bombs

Wow! Our boss miss Aya Shameimaru called us both into the office on the same day for the first time in a while, and it wasn't without good reason for once!

I'm surprised too. She wasn't taking maternity leave again. Or hung over after binging on Tiger brand Hot Dogs.

Yes, indeed! A whole stack of urgent news stories came in just this day, and it isn't just the usual factory reports on the mechanical mass-production of babies. If anything, the factory must have had a chemical leak somewhere because love is in the air, and Gensokyo Island's residents have come down with a nasty case of being sick with it!

Not 'sick of' it? Well, it was more 'lovely' than Valentine's Day, at least...

Dealing with love issues is probably the most fun one can have every day. Too bad it'a rare pleasure.

Wow! Love is a wonderful thing, isn't it? So, Kiba, what's the summary of today's news, anyway? Just a quick roundup before we start on the details of every gritty little affair.

Hmm... two babies born, two pregnancies announced, two adult children evicted from their parents' basements... that's the usual stuff. But today, we also have... oh! A visit from a returning traveller, a wedding, and two love confessions! Even I am more impressed by today's achievements than I've ever been for over a week.

Is that so? Good to hear it! It just won't do to be falling asleep as we run through the list. Tell you what, let's start with the usual matters - the revolving door of babies passing through the nurturing little kindergarten hosted by Okuu's Look-alike, before we move on to the real heart-thumping stuff.

 That bowl cut is one of the ugliest things ever in Tomodachi Life. In contrast, little Mothra is one of the most beautifully ugly beings ever created.

Youka, second daughter and third child of Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore, as well as Nanako, sixth (!) daughter and seventh child of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug were packed off as travellers today, adding to the long long list of kids doomed to rot in obscurity at Gensokyo Island's port... uh, I mean, to become aspiring future travellers. Good for them.

I've also heard rumours that both families are extremely upset with Okuu's Look-alike - more so than usual at least. Kyouko and Wriggle, naturally, for having even their seventh child sent off without a single apartment to their name. However, Yuuka and Sycamore argue that Okuu's Look-alike had gone back on a promise to invite Youka to stay.

Not that the word of Okuu's Look-alike means very much, anyway. But I bet that godawful bowl cut had something to do with it.

Perhaps. But even as two children leave their parents' homes, two more rather unique individuals take their place. Recette Lemongrass and Armin Arlert brought forth their fifth child, their third daughter Prima, whose face really looks oddly similar to her elder siblings. In the meantime, Desco Kazamatsuri and Mitsukuni Haninozuka produced one of the most spectacular works of art that has ever been seen on a child's face - this being their bug-eyed and antenna-wielding son, their second child who was quickly dubbed Mothra.

... wait, there are so many things wrong with that. For starters, Mothra is a female monster, not a boy!!! How could anyone get that wrong? And why would anyone call their fifth of five children Prima?

That's Gensokyo Island logic for you, don't bother arguing with it. It's also pretty astouding logic that Okuu's Look-alike refuses to sanction any form of contraception on this island as two more couples today announced further plans for procreation...

Baby flesh. WE NEED MORE!!!

Reimu Hakurei and her husband Junya Ohta shattered all records today when the couple announced their eighth child. I repeat. that's child number eight! That's more children than there are bosses in the typical Touhou Project game. Oh, and Shanghai Margatroid and Kanako Yasaka told the rest of us about their upcoming third child, too, but compared to Reimu and ZUN's achievement that seems more like a demo version than anything.

I didn't really get all of that, since I don't play computer games, but... yeah. I'm happy for them. Even for all their parents' happiness, a baby is like a baby is like a baby to outsiders like us these few days, since Okuu's Look-alike seems to be running short of clever ideas to help out parents, but eight children is simply... they could buy a pizza and give each of their kids a slice.

Assuming said kids were actually at home to receive it, of course.

That's right. And speaking of kids returning home, Kyouko and Wriggle also had a surprise visitor today just after they showed their youngest child Nanako to the door. 

It's always great to see one of our travellers still alive. But how did Hachiko get from Japan to Germany? Some Axis exchange programme or something?

Hachiko, Kyouko and Wriggle's third child, showed up just in time to ambush her surprised parents and also conveniently miss her new youngest sister. As all travellers are wont to do, she quickly partook of her parents' home's hospitality before re-embarking on the grim and miserable life with which all young explorers are familiar. Somehow, though, she ended up in Germany immediately after. I wonder how that could be so...

It must have been Germany calling... well, she should be fine. They like dogs very much over there.

It's interesting because, glancing at Hachiko's records, all of the four islands that she's visited so far have been from Japan, and yet this latest update... hmm. Anyway, having visited four islands, she's now visited the most number of islands of any Gensokyo Island traveller, sharing that distinction with Juan, Vytautas, and Juntaro before her.  

I can't deny that that's a commendable feat. Congratulations to you, Hachiko, from a fellow traveller.

And me too. But for now, it's time to move on to the Meat and Potato stew of today's update, the hot and spicy Mii-on-mii action coming to you live from Gensoyko Island. Well, alright, it's not exactly that extreme (or explicit), but there's no doubting that love is in the air. Today, Koyomi Saigyouji, daughter of Yuyuko Saigyouji and Maximillian Magma, proposed to her significant other and fellow second-generation islander, Almaz Beoulve, son of Konata Izumi and Ramza Beoulve.

I haven't played the marriage proposal game in a while but succeeded with no mistakes. It's a real sense of achievement seeing their happy parents.

That's right. Weren't we talking about dysfunctional second-generation islanders not too long ago? Not to mention Koyomi and Almaz had only been together for just over two weeks, right after Almaz's breakup with Hinoko Gassenarl, and shortly after that Shinichi Yasaka had tried to confess to Koyomi, too. It's a regular Coronation Street of a suburban love drama right here.

Well, their love must have held true, then. The backstabbing between them may never end, but the unwanted romantic overtures will for now, at least. And just look at the proud faces of their parents (and four more busybodies) lined up at the wedding ceremony! It's so lovely, even those totally bothered and outraged by the antics of the second-generation islanders can't help but feel happy that another two of them have finally managed to settle down.

And Okuu's Look-alike among them, too. Come to think of it, in that first photograph... neither of those hearts belong to Koyomi or Almaz, right? 

Ah, yes. Um, perhaps their stories are better left unsaid, but since we are junior reporters it's our duty to lay the truth bare...

Wait, so you're telling me we only used that photograph for the pictures of the hearts?

Kaguya, Mokou really hates your ass, just give up already. And Shinichi, stop trying to steal other people's girlfriends.

Uh, yeah, that's probably right. Unfortunately, both of those little love problems ended in tragedy. Kaguya Houraisan persisted with that completely bizarre plan of hers to woo her eternal rival and immortal enemy Mokou Fujiwara into becoming her significant other... as well as persisting with the terrible mistake of asking Okuu's Look-alike for advice on pick-up lines. Shortly after, Shinichi clearly didn't learn his lesson, still fancying himself a Laharl or a Sycamore and trying to nab another kid's girlfriend. This time, the target of his 'affection' was Hinoko Gassenarl, now the girlfriend of Hoshi Toramaru... and she proceeded to rightly ignore him.

So... it's more like misguided love than anything. Weren't you going on and on about how love is wonderful?

Ah... heh... it's wonderful for giving that sicko Okuu's Look-alike a heck of a good laugh, in any case.

... right. It's good that I gave up on love after that Valentine's Day episode. Well, that's it from us, so see you later Toritori. I'm going back to the 2D girls on my online games, at least they won't make me all depressed.

 Well... if you don't have the guts to try again, you guys can stew in your misery for a while longer. I don't have Travel Tickets for losers in love.

... gave up on love, huh?

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 27th March 2015

Traveller Updates

Hachiko, daughter of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug, wrote back from Streetpass Relay Point Island! She has visited 4 islands so far.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 28th March 2015

Traveller Updates

Hachiko returned from Kagura Island to visit her parents Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug! She has visited 4 islands so far.

Relationships and Marriage

Koyomi Saigyouji proposed to Almaz Beoulve today. He accepted! Congratulations to the newly married couple!

Marisa Kirisame and Alice Margatroid are no longer best friends!

Children

Youka, daughter of Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Prima was born to Recette Lemongrass and Armin Arlert. It's their fifth child! She is an Easygoing Buddy.

Nanako, daughter of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Mothra was born to Desco Kazamatsuri and Mitsukuni Haninozuka. It's their second child! He is an Outgoing Entertainer.

Kanako Yasaka announced that her wife Shanghai Margatroid was pregnant with their third child!

Reimu Hakurei announced that she was pregnant with her and Junya Ohta's eighth child!

The Birds and the Bs

Kiba's been having this weird, wacked-out look in his eyes lately, and I'm starting to think that it isn't just from him staying up all night to play computer games. In fact, I'm also starting to think he isn't staying up all night because he wants to play computer games, but... I mean he wants to play games, of course, but not every single waking and ideally non-waking hour of his existence... I'm kinda worried for him.

Oh yes, hi hi! It's Toritori here with the latest big scoop. And what's bigger than the ever-burgeoning ball of baby flesh building up here on Gensokyo Island?

I need to come up with more interesting catchphrases... but interesting kids with an interesting theme write their own catchphrases.

Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika's seventh child Natsuki, together with Marisa Kirisame and Miko Toyosatomimi's fifth child Toyotoshi were the latest to roll off the assembly line here on Gensokyo Island. At the same time, Recette Lemongrass and Armin Arlert were aiming for their fifth child and Desco Kazamatsuri and Mitsukuni Haninozuka for their second. 

Y'know, it seems almost a privilege to raise children for the glory of Gensokyo Island. I mean, that dictator person Okuu's Look-alike treats you better, actually says nice things about you, gives you free stuff and all... well, and also makes snide comments about your parenting skills or lack thereof and makes veiled... actually pretty overt threats to shake those babies as hard as she possibly can. No wonder all the kids on this island turn out so "unique", ahem.

Ah well, but barmy kids can only be born from none other but barmy parents. And with nutters like the quirky, maladjusted, and downright bizarre folk on Gensokyo Island, what more can we really expect? 

I... you don't say, Wriggle? Isn't wearing the trousers in your relationship enough for you?

And where else do crazy parents come from but from dysfunctional relationships. Okuu's Look-alike has been ranting on and on about how much she hates 'blind dates' where islanders try to set each other up in relationships, but that's a bit unfair considering that attempting to confess their feelings is hardly any more successful.

Why, just today, Mokou Fujiwara, who had recently been the target of her immortal enemy Kaguya Houraisan's supposed 'affections', today decided to confess some burning love of her own. And naturally, they were to... Suwako Moriya, perhaps to save her from the misfortune of being paired with the notorious child predator Mister Kimura. Asking Okuu's Look-alike for her opinion, the move was okayed despite the possibility of breaking up Suwako and Mister Kimura's relationship... or perhaps because of that possibility.

Unfortunately for Mokou and Okuu's Look-alike, things didn't really turn out in their favour...

Mokou doing that pose is totally boss and in character - I'm glad I told her to do it even if she didn't succeed (and the pickup line sucked).

Honestly, though, who would have expected otherwise? I'm actually getting the feeling that Mokou got trolled twice over - once by Suwako dumping her for a much less desirable and hopelessly awkward old man, and by Okuu's Look-alike for telling her to go ahead with it anyway, for the lulz. I think that's just why Okuu's Look-alike prefers love confessions rather than blind dates - it's got nothing to do with love itself, but rather due to the potential for hilarious wacky hijinks.

Ah yes, but love does lead to relationships, and relationships to marriage, and marriage to babies, and babies to a termially sleep-deprived Kiba. We all have to start somewhere. So today, we're going to embark on interviewing the first second-generation islander... well, actually the second second-generation islander by seniority, but the first to be interviewed... one, two buckle my shoe. Um, right, sorry, got a little tongue-tied there.

Anyway, this individual comes pretty high in the rankings as far as everyone's concerned, after all, she is the first child and daughter of Utsuho Reiuji, better known Okuu, who is the look-alike of Okuu's Look-alike... bleh. These tautologies are wrapping my tongue in knots. Anyway, I'd like to present the star of today's interview, Unyuho Morichika!

Unyuho Morichika

All information correct as of 26 March 2015

 Unyuho on the catwalk - an odd mix of funny and funky.

Name: Unyuho Morichika

Nickname: Unyuho

Date of Birth: 24th November 2015

Personality: Easygoing Softie

Favourite Colour: Light Green

Quotation: "Unyu! Unyuho!"

Unyuho is a semi-original character who is based off of but not actually from the Touhou Project by Team Shanghai Alice. Unyuho is widely considered by the fandom as the hypothetical child of Utsuho Reiuji, who is often portrayed as being an ideal character to be a mother, albeit an extremely ditzy one prone to random explosions. Presumably, her child would inherit some of her abilities so she would hopefully be immune or at least resistant to those explosions and the radiation Okuu constantly outputs. The name Unyuho comes from Okuu's catchphrase, "Unyu!", combined with her name Utsuho to create a cutesy-sounding nickname.

While Unyuho is often drawn as a miniaturised version of Okuu, on Gensokyo Island she was born with grey hair similar to her father Rinnosuke Morichika, so I decided to give her the last name of Morichika instead. She also inherited her father's height, and also a bit of plumpness which neither of her parents possess. As such, here on Gensokyo Island she's truly her own unique character and not really a look-alike of what the typical Touhou fan would think of upon imagining Unyuho.

Unyuho is the only thing that can make Berthold Gregor smile... apart from the genocide of inferior races.

Husband: Berthold Gregor

Best Friend: Evil Spirit Mima, formerly Margit Ravelli

Parents: Utsuho Reiuji, Rinnosuke Morichika

Children: Gloriana, Victoria

Unyuho was the second second-generation islander to be born, but was the first to get married. It's a rather unlikely romance, considering that Berthold Gregor happens to be an aristocratic, stone-faced army general who's over 50 years old, while Unyuho is... a little bird. But it takes all sorts, and here on Gensokyo Island we welcome all sorts. 

It might have been a whirlwind romance, but at least it was born of love, and it has held decently well so far. It's pretty clear who's the boss in the marriage though, considering the names of the children. Dealing with second-generation islanders is tough as they no longer have a source material to draw ideas from, and it's mostly up to them and their achievements on the island to build a foundation on which to expand their characterisation.

Unyuho and Margit Ravelli made very unlikely best friends, considering that they're at exact opposites of the personality chart with Margit being a Confident Go-Getter. Unfortunately, it seems that was not to last - perhaps in a conspiracy of sorts, Unyuho and Evil Spirit Mima both broke up with their best friends and became chums with each other. Margit's the kind to take things in stride, so she probably wouldn't be too fussed, but... ah, what's left of Drake Kitazawa's mental state is probably decaying away with every day that passes.

Think your armour's invincible? This blue whale's waterspout will turn it into rust!

Food Preferences:

Worst: Roast Beef

Okuu's Look-alike Rating - Roast Beef: Favourite!! That's right, if I was a Mii in Tomodachi Life I'd declare Roast Beef to be my favourite, because I'm just totally nuts about beef and especially Roast Beef. What can I say? What makes a favourite food your favourite is that you could eat it all day, every day, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you'd never get bored. Not for a week or so, at least. And Roast Beef is right up there on that list of favourites, behind only a good Steak.

Song Participation:

Gotta Slay 'em All, Rap, backup dancer for The Recon Corps

As the first children born on Gensokyo Island, it was only natural to invite Unyuho and her fellow second-generation islander Shanghai Margatroid to dance along to a song about killing tall people. Since then, though, every single character featuring in that song has "grown up", and they're no longer so small any more. No, not even the midget. And it just so happens that Unyuho is probably one of the tallest of the bunch.

  Unyuho hangs out with the Touhou Project girls of Gensokyo Island. Sometimes they get along, sometimes... not so much.

Apartment: Apt. 403, formerly Apt. 402

Islander Rating: Average Tier

Unyuho is probably average as far as the fourth batch of islanders goes. She and Shanghai have had a slight advantage in that they were introduced first, giving them approximately five levels of a headstart, and also explaining the degree of shuffling among their apartments. However, the lack of an all-time favourite food (save Maximillian Magma, for whom it was only recently discovered) generally holds back their progress of all of them as a group.

When I say Unyuho is average, I mean just that - she doesn't stand out in either a positive or a negative way. She's not especially demanding, but she does get her fair share, and unlike Drake Kitazawa whom we last interviewed she's not particularly unlucky despite only having a Worst food discovered. If anything, she really likes clothes - and clothes of all sorts are always in plentiful supply here on Gensokyo Island.

Unyuho, being an Easygoing Softie, isn't the type to really stand out in any way. She does have her moments of passion when in a fight with another islander, but she's mostly the happy-go-lucky type, content to live life from day to day in the blissful tropical (with snow) paradise that is Gensokyo Island. After all, when your dad is a shopkeeper and your mom is a substitute for the sun itself you have pretty much all the comforts you need in your life. As long as she isn't taken away from them, that is...

She really likes that dress. Maybe because it helps to hide her baby fat.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 25th March 2015

Children

Natsuki, daughter of Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 26th March 2015

Children

Toyotoshi, son of Marisa Kirisame and Miko Toyosatomimi, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Armin Arlert announced that his wife Recette Lemongrass was pregnant with their fifth child!

Desco Kazamatsuri announced that she was pregnant with her and Mitsukuni Haninozuka's second child!    

Infant Incide

Hmm... more of this again...

More of what? Babies, of course! You know how I said I couldn't stand babies, and it was true then, and it still is now. And yet every single report these days being about babies is driving me totally up the wall, just reading about them... it's like I can hear their screaming and crying even now. I thought I was in a dreamland here on Gensokyo Island when I learned about this place full of characters from my favourite series, and then these babies had to show up and ruin all the magic of it.

And yet, Okuu's Look-alike takes an almost academic, or perhaps more accurately a commercial interest in these bawling little mounds of flesh. What can I say? After all, she is the completely unelected dictator-for-life of this sweatshop factory dedicated to the mass production of miniature weapons of mass destruction and it behooves her to ensure her hapless minions keep that assembly line running.

Hey, Nanako, look at these three kids around you. When you grow up, you'll be just like them, given a silly catchphrase and packed off to see the world.

Hmm... based on these reports, the recent boom in production here at the Gensokyo Island baby factory may have finally petered out, with only one new screaming monstrosity brought into the world over the last couple of days, but with three finally graduating into the suicide bombing... I mean the travelling life.

Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug became the third couple on the island to have seven children, presenting the rather unimaginatively named Nanako who is their sixth daughter. Did I mention records show all six of those daughters looked just like their mother? Imagination certainly isn't their strong suit, but as long as Wriggle doesn't Wriggle-kick up a fuss like she did several months ago with her divorce Okuu's Look-alike really doesn't have any cause for complaint.

In the meantime, three kids were "sent off", or should I rather say "sent down" as they've effectively been ceremoniously booted out of their parents' house to live a life as a vagrant for the next few months at the very least.

Okuu's Look-alike must have been drunk out of her wits (not like she isn't all the time) when coming up with a catchphrase for Chitose, the sixth child of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu. Apparently, it would have been an even more overt reference to underage drinking, but Shiki Eiki being a Supreme Judge of Paradise might have had something to do with that not being allowed to stand. On the other hand it seems that Okuu's Look-alike sold the rights on the fourth child of Aliasse Foerster and Minamitsu Murasa, Raymond's catchphrase to a certain organisation intent on press-ganging as many members as possible into their midst. Indeed, the only one whose phrase I found to be astoundingly apt would be that of Unyuho Morichika and Berthold Gregor's second child, Victoria, who I am sure speaks for us all with that very profound judgement of hers.

Ugh... all of these bawling, puking, mewling babies are driving me crazy. Is there any way to get away from them, any way at all? Somewhere I could go to escape from it all... and preferably somewhere with an internet connection, too?

I'm proud of you, son. Now we are a family again.

Oh... oh dear. I guess that's no longer an option. It's a good thing that Reisen Udongein Inaba's kinda used to the vacuum of space, having lived on the moon and all, but Tadakichi Mihama might not fare so well...

Honestly, I'm not too worried about him. The second generation of Gensokyo Island residents - that is, the children of original residents, are only "partly" based on game and anime characters after all, which is to say they have similar names but may have big differences in personality or appearance. Even Okuu's Look-alike calls them "semi-original" characters, whatever that means. So a geek who's dedicated to the source material like me really isn't too bothered about what happens to them.

But it's not just that. The second-generation islanders here - Shanghai Margatroid, Unyuho Reiuji, Tadakichi Mihama, Hinoko Gassenarl, Tia Arlert, Koyomi Saigyouji, Hoshi Toramaru, Almaz Beoulve, and Toyohime Kirisame, are also known for being absolutely merciless and cut-throat backstabbers, especially when it comes to their fellow second-generation islanders. They'll do absolutely anything to undermine and humiliate each other just for the sake of entertainment and cruelty. It's as if they were competing for attention in front of some evil overlord somewhere ... oh wait, actually they are.

Our next broadcast will see us dealing with one of these young villains, brought up in the toxic environment of Gensokyo Island. Heck, I'd probably turn into a villain too if I was plagued by nothing but the sound of crying babies all day and night... and I think I already am starting down that path. And I'll end things off by just leaving this teaser right here...

Patience, young grasshopper. We'll teach you the ways of supervillain soon enough.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 23rd March 2015

Children

Nanako was born to Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug. It's their seventh child! She is an Independent Artist.

Chitose, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 24th March 2015

Children

Raymond, son of Aliasse Foerster and Minamitsu Murasa, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Victoria, daughter of Unyuho Morichika and Berthold Gregor, grew up! She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!   

Beast with Two Backs

Toritori here, with the latest headlines. There have been sightings of very strange things around Gensokyo Island recently. Monsters... mutations... nature gone very wild indeed. 

Don't believe me? Take a look at the photographic evidence!

Nyarisa Kirisameow? Body meld between human shopkeeper and location-displaced wildlife? You saw it here first.

Okay, well, we admit these photographs may have been doctored a little... and by doctored I mean the photographer, as well as pretty much every resident of Gensokyo Island must have been high on a hallucination-inducing something or another. How else can we explain the sudden increase in the libido and profligacy of pretty much every islander with a significant other?

I swear, that cunning dictator Okuu's Look-alike must be pumping something weird into the water supply to Mii Apartments and Mii Homes. It's a good thing we travellers just use our savings to buy bottled water from the food mart, or else just collect rainwater in pots - being poor has its advantages after all. Gotta protect our precious bodily fluids!

In related news, well, not so much news as a reaffirmation of the ongoing state of affairs, the Gensokyo Island baby factory assembly line is in full swing as two more completed products were packed up for export just as work began on another two, just like clockwork. Although considering that few islands are foolish enough as to deliberately seek out Gensokyo Island's "exports", at this rate the sheer number of children born will outnumber the islanders themselves.

Our mission here at the Gensokyo Island baby quality control centre is to ensure all children smile. Whether they like it or not.

Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika's seventh child was born a couple of days ago, but both of them as well as Okuu's Look-alike admitted to being totally stumped for a name. In the end they decided to just give up and call her Natsuki - and it's pronounced not Natsu-ki, like it usually is for people with such a name, but Na-tsuki. What does that even mean? Well, allegedly it has something to do with Lucky Sevens and things, but I'd wonder why anyone would ever name a kid after a brand of cigarettes.

In the meantime, Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore's third child Youka was born, and it seems that Okuu's Look-alike has taken quite a shine to her. I'm not so sure... it's a bit worrying to trust anything which emerges from its mother's womb covered in gore with a giant smiley face plastered on it, but really, there are much worse things in The 120 Days of Sodom. One wonders whether even a being as powerful as Yuuka can save her child from being subjected to the horrible mind-altering experiments Okuu's Look-alike is no doubt planning to conduct.

However, just like any self-respecting industrial complex, products are sent out for export concurrently with commencement of new projects, and Gensokyo Island is no exception. 

I dunno, it's hard coming up with a phrase that's interesting enough to catch people's attention but not so intimidating that you delete them right away.

Hourai, the second child of Shanghai Margatroid and Kanako Yasaka, as well as Kentaro, the second child of Youmu Konpaku and Drake Kitazawa, were sent out into the cruel world armed with nothing but the grit of determination and a witty catchphrase (and goggles, but they do nothing). By cruel world, of course, I mean languishing at the port, without even a shard of hope of getting off Gensokyo Island for the next few months or so, and reduced to scavenging from the beach or doing degrading and menial jobs for their parents to earn an allowance. For the self-proclaimed clockwork baby factory that Gensokyo Island is, it's awfully bad at making deals to persuade anyone to actually accept its products.

Y'know, I suppose that's just because Gensokyo Island has a bit of a reputation as a wretched hive of scum and villainy. It's like half the denizens are scum, and half are villains, and it's only part of the time that that's the same half of them (the rest live in a hive, of course). I mean, just take a look at this example of the truly wretched antics in which the inhabitants of this place can partake.

I can't believe this actually happened. Not only is it just horrifically disgusting to behold, their offspring, if any, will be of truly monstrous appearance.

Mister Kimura has often been believed to be one of those things people of all persuasions will agree is the lowest of the low - a predator of children. Not that he's very good at it, of course, but the intention is there. And yet, Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, the Highest Judge of Paradise, must either believe he is reformed or is putting him through a very trying ordeal by attempting to pair him up with Suwako Moriya, a... for the lack of a more accurate description... a little blonde girl with a straw hat. Well... let's just say it can't be wrong, since one of the few truly lawful people on Gensokyo Island believes in it, but the thought of such a pairing even happening is... stomach-churning, to say the least.

Well, yes, lots of bad things can be said about Mister Kimura, and it would be foolish to assume that Suwako has never heard of any of them. However, what Mister Kimura might not know is that Suwako isn't actually a little girl, but a thousand-year-old goddess who's already given rise to a line of offspring, with Sanae Kochiya as one of her very very distant descendants. Who just happens to look like a little girl. And may not actually be a girl or even a humanoid at all, considering that only the eyes on her hat move, not those on her face... Maybe Shiki Eiki is really testing Mister Kimura by pairing him up with this eldritch creature... or maybe she is punishing him for his sinful life thus far.

Brr... it chills me to the bone just to imagine... no, no! That way lies madness, imagining what sort of horrid coupling with tentacles, eyestalks, teeth, and slime and... kyaaa!!! Ugh! When I think about "beasts", I'd prefer not to be reminded of unfathomably distorted, pulsating, ever-mutating otherworldly beings, but rather... just, y'know, simple things like animals. Like giraffes. Like cats... with Marisa Kirisame's face on them. Like dogs in suits playing poker and smoking cigarettes and talking about puppies and stuff.

Dogs with eyestalks and tentacles? It's like The Fly... with dogs.

No, it's too late. We're all mad here, you see. Mad as a March hare.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 21st March 2015

Children

Natsuki was born to Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika. It's their seventh child! She is an Outgoing Trendsetter.

Hourai, daughter of Shanghai Margatroid and Kanako Yasaka, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Kyouko Kasodani announced that she was pregnant with her and Wriggle Nightbug's seventh child!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 22nd March 2015

Relationships and Marriage

Suwako Moriya and Mister Kimura became sweethearts! They were set up by Shikieiki Yamaxanadu.

Children

Youka was born to Yuuka Kazami and Augustine Sycamore. It's their third child! She is an Outgoing Trendsetter.

Kentaro, son of Youmu Konpaku and Drake Kitazawa, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller! 

Immodest Proposal

I can't sleep. It's driving me crazy.

The wails... the screams... all day, all night... even after I take off my headphones from playing Parasite Hazard... they won't go away. They haunt me.

N... no, I swear! I'm not hallucinating or anything, it's true! I mean, yeah, it's partly my fault for hijacking Gensokyo Island's wifi by camping in the mdidle of Mii Homes, but really! Do you know what it's like to have that crying and screaming ringing in your ears all the time, down every street you walk or house you pass?

It's the babies, I tell you! The babies! This place is crawling with them, swarming with them, literally overflowing with them, spilling their toxins into the sea. Even as one bawling infant grows into an only half-adjusted, barely sapient being, another emerges from the deep dark cavities of another of Gensokyo Island's couples.

I'm certainly I'm describing the truth, rather than simply being unflattering. Take a look!

It's interesting to note that these are two of the more "unique" children the island has produced that don't look like outright monsters.

Lewis, third son and fourth child of Alice Margatroid and Kyubey Incubator, prepared himself for the journey into the wider world by memorising a brain-meltingly incoherent poem and brushing his giant eyebrows. However, Reina, third daughter and seventh child of Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta needed no such preparation, since she looked an awful lot like a barmy Western cartoon character, albeit one whose tone didn't really match that of the island.

However, even just as two of the offspring of the islanders are packed up and shipped off to the great unknown, yet another two take their place. Seriously, what sort of crazy organisation is Okuu's Look-alike running here? Is there even any rhyme or reason behind this mad proliferation of babies? What happens to all those kids that leave this island, anyway? Do they end up in Kate and Sidney pies, or what? Do the islanders even care about what happens to the bawling little monstrosities they've spent so much time, energy, and sanity to raise?

Blooming babies, manifesting babies... so many explanations as to where children come from. It's gotta be the stork, though.

Yuuka Kazami, the ultimate sadistic creature, proposed a third occasion of vegetative reproduction with her oblivious and hapless scientist husband Augustine Sycamore. At the same time, Miko Toyosatomimi, the persistent spirit of the legendary Prince Shoutoku, seemed to be in the process of conducting a forbidden summoning ritual with her wife the witch Marisa Kirisame for the fifth time. 

Well... actually, I'm not that dumb. I know the truth, they just went to their bedroom in their home, locked the door, and did something where no one could see them, and a couple of days later a baby is born. I mean, they couldn't be seen, but they could most certainly be heard! The resounding crack of a leather and Sycamore's groan of ecstacy when Yuuka whipped ... um, yeah. Something like that. I'm sure the Marquis de Sade would be proud, anyway.

Ugh... anyway, this recent epidemic of babies has really got me on edge. How I long for the "boring" days of the few weeks past! Now, it seems that every sound wafting in the air is the cry of an infant, every topic of conversation is about so-and-so's next child and whether they'll have what it takes to stay on the island... it's driving me mad!

You know what I need to do now? I need to find someone who's bad, really bad, who also hates babies, and can do us all a favour by getting rid of them. And who else but the self-proclaimed renowned mad scientist supervillain, Maximillian...

Isn't it appropriate that Mokou, the blazing phoenix, happens to be the stranger showing up at Maxie's birthday party?

Oh dear, he seems to be a little busy at the moment, not to mention probably full of birthday cake by the time the day is done. It's awfully generous of his wife Yuyuko Saigyouji to actually restrain her monstrous appetite to give her husband a chance... well, at least for his birthday.

Well, I guess hiring some baby-eating villains isn't an option. I wonder, is there another way to deal with this infestation of infants? Like, someone who wouldn't actually try to destroy them, but rather "treat" them in such a way that they would be permanently scarred into being silent for the rest of their nasty, brutish, and short little lives. Do we have any volunteers?

 Sanae Kochiya has the appropriate reaction to Mister Kimura being involved in anything which includes children.

Um... yeah. Alright, fine, forget I asked. I hate kids, but even I won't go so far as to get someone like Mister Kimura involved. I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it, try to hold out for the next week or so and hope this pestilence of children fades out eventually. No set of headphones, no amount of PvP victories or wacky anime catchphrases can possibly drone out the wretched, ear-splitting shrillness of a bawling infant writhing in its torment.

Think about it... how many computer games or anime series out there have anything to do with babies at all? They're nothing but a menace to the enjoyment of life. Kiba out... grumble...

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 19th March 2015

Happy 19th Birthday, Maximillian Magma!

Relationships and Marriage

Drake Kitazawa and Evil Spirit Mima are no longer best friends!

Unyuho Morichika and Evil Spirit Mima became best friends!

Children

Lewis, son of Alice Margatroid and Kyubey Incubator, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller! 

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 20th March 2015

Children

Reina, daughter of Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

Yuuka Kazami announced that she was pregnant with her and Augustine Sycamore's third child!

Miko Toyosatomimi announced that her wife Marisa Kirisame was pregnant with their fifth child!

Gensokyo Gourmands

Sanae Kochiya tried a Fried Egg today. She thought it was the Worst! 

To Your Health!

Ugh... this place really smells horrid. It's like a mix of mouldered cheese, sun-dried spittle, an overflowing latrine and copious amounts of vomit... and I'm just talking about the port! For the last twenty-four hours, the rest of Gensokyo Island has been smelling just as bad, or worse! 

And the bodies scattered everywhere, hanging limply over benches, stairs, and the edges of cliffs... it's like the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse, minus the limb ripping and brain eating! Even... Kiba, what the heck happened to you?

Ugh... brain ... argh...

Oh no!!! Kiba's turned into a zombie! Everyone run for your lives... oh, wait. Well, he's all pale from a lack of sunlight, his eyes are bloodshot, a trickle of dried drool runs from his lips and his clothes are all mucky with dirt and scraps of food, but that's just typical of a basement dweller. I'm pretty sure whatever's affecting him isn't the same as what's happening with the other islanders.

I think I really stayed up too late this time. It was a mistake to keep playing when the sun started coming up... and then it went down again, just like that. And then it came up again...

You're either hallucinating or you really need to take a nap, but at least you weren't involved in whatever just happened over these past few days.

... what? ...

Now bless the Irish and go get yourself dead drunk.

It was St. Patrick's Day that just passed, Kiba. St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, and on this day Irish people everywhere... actually, scratch that. Pretty much everyone goes out and gets themselves so pissed they're absolutely insensate. Insensate, not incensed, because I mean pissed in the sense of drunk, not angry.

You should just have said that directly in the first place. Anyway, getting drunk out of their mind, how's that different from every day here on Gensokyo Island?

I assume it's because on St. Patrick's Day you don't feel guilty about it, since you can blame the Irish for starting this tradition. Even if you're Irish yourself. It doesn't matter who you are, just drink! Drink your heart out!

That's really nice, Toritori, but surely you know about Nintendo's censorship policy concerning not portraying alcoholic drinks in game. The closest thing to alcohol you can find at Food Mart is the Spiced Apple Cider, and it's already proven that most alcoholics on this island actually despise it with a fervour.

But they have to be getting their drinks from somewhere, right? Otherwise how could they still be alcoholics? Maybe Suika Ibuki and her magic sake gourd might have something to do with it. Or Okuu's Look-alike is smuggling the stuff in from somewhere or cooking up moonshine in her lair. There's no other way to explain the copious piles of vomit and people passed out in random places today.

Well, actually, there might be a more simple explanation...

 Another year, another step closer to the next instalment of the Touhou Project series. I can see it now - Touhou 15: Third Half Life.

Junya Ohta is infamous for loving beer, and beer in huge quantities. The sheer amounts of people passed out today can no doubt be attributed to the sheer amounts of beer passed out last night at ZUN's birthday party. Considering that over half the island comprises Touhou Project characters, that's the sheerest amount of beer I can imagine.

Wow. With that and the added alcohol intake over the St. Patrick's Day festival, it's no doubt that many of Gensokyo Island's residents have been spending this day contemplating their livers.. I mean, their lives, filled with inebriation and indolence. But it's more likely they're just plain unconscious.

ZUN must be absolutely chuffed. What with celebrating his birthday, having full privileges to drink himself drop-down drunk over two days in a row, and also enjoying the fame of being a father of seven children, the highest number of anyone on Gensokyo Island. It's settled, we need to conduct a quick interview with him before the end of the day to seal the deal on this special report.

I can see it right now! "Mr. ZUN, is there anything you want to say to all your loyal supporters and friends out there?"

Uh, yeah. This is just so appropriate I'm at a loss for words.

I guess it isn't necessary to bother him, then. We'd only be interrupting his drinking.

You're right, Kiba. With that, we should get on to the rest of the day's updates. In other news, the bountiful bonanza of babies blusters on here on Gensokyo Island, with four children born and another expected in a day or too.  

The couple who still has to wait a little while longer are Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika, who, not to be outdone by ZUN and his wife Reimu Hakurei, are also going for their seventh child. In the meantime, four less productive but no less loving couples made another addition to their family over the course of just one day.

First came the child of Youmu Konpaku and the star of our last interview Drake Kitazawa, who brought with them their second child and second son Kentaro. Next came Chiyo Mihama and her husband Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, whose sixth child Chitose puts the pressure on the two leading couples to not lose out to a couple from the second batch of islanders. 

Kourin ponders not losing out to ZUN and Reimu. Chitose looks just like a miniature model of her parents!

Unyuho Morichika and Berthold Gregor were next, showing off their second child and second daughter Victoria. Again, another homage to Gen. Gregor's homeland of the Empire? She certainly has his unamused snarl, though! And lastly, in a surprise announcement followed by an even more surprising delivery, Aliasse Foerster and Minamitsu Murasa gave us Raymond, their fifth child and third son. It seems that they're at more than the midway mark to reaching the heights of Gensokyo Island's most productive couples!

Toritori, don't you think it's suspicious that there's been so much, uh, activity during a time when Gensokyo Island's residents have been indulging themselves in the bottle? I mean, haven't they heard of fetal alcohol syndrome?

Well.. considering that the majority of Gensokyo Island's residents aren't actually people but rather monsters, demons, and gods (or gaming gods, like ZUN), it's reasonable to think they might have a higher-than-normal level of tolerance to alcohol, at least before those mutations start setting in. 

That figures. After all, Okuu's Look-alike seems to have a policy of quantity over quality here. Better more Epsilon double-minuses than just one Alpha double-plus - at least manual labour's always employable, even in the current economic situation.

I'm... not really sure what you meant there. But anyway, I really wouldn't recommend that anyone in real life try to emulate the crazy madcap residents of Gensokyo Island and their happy-go-lucky lives. Speaking of happiness, though, today's news must end on a sobering reminder that happy thoughts can't last forever...

Some quick advice - if you're going to backstab two of your closest pals, do it while you're sober. Or face the consequences.

Shinichi Yasaka, the only third-generation resident of Gensokyo Island, today decided to confess his love for Koyomi Saigyouji, perhaps after ingesting more alcohol than a kid several weeks old really has a right to. In fact, he was so sloshed, he had forgotten he introduced her to his friend Almaz Beoulve just the day before! And he must have been drunk with not just alcohol but confidence, as he believed he could do an Overlord Laharl or an Augustine Sycamore and snatch Koyomi from the clutches of Almaz like a beautiful prize from the hands of a naïve, unsuspecting mark. 

 

As funny as it would have been for Almaz to become the first person on Gensokyo Island with two exes, Koyomi's loyalties held strong and she shot down the cheeky Shinichi quite mercilessly. The poor chap went blue not only in his clothes but also in his face, and begged for a Travel Ticket to ease his woes... or at the very least his hangover. Somewhat conveniently it was also at that time when Okuu's Look-alike disappeared from his radar, having decided to crash ZUN's birthday party and drink herself dead drunk. She's still looking for her underpants at this moment while we speak.

She's gonna have to check carefully, considering the sheer number of drunk and dazed islanders wearing someone's underpants on their head...

At least mine are still here. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone, and drink responsively and drive responsibly. Um... wait, how does it go again?

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 17th March 2015

Relationships and Marriage

Koyomi Saigyouji and Almaz Beoulve became sweethearts! They were set up by Shinichi Yasaka.

Children

Kentaro was born to Youmu Konpaku and Drake Kitazawa. It's their second child! He is a Confident Brainiac.

Aliasse Foerster announced that she was pregnant with her and Minamitsu Murasa's fifth child!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 18th March 2015

Happy 38th Birthday, Junya Ohta!

Children

Chitose was born to Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu. It's their sixth child! She is an Outgoing Charmer.

Victoria was born to Unyuho Morichika and Berthold Gregor. It's their second child! She is an Outgoing Charmer.

Rinnosuke Morichika announced that his wife Utsuho Reiuji was pregnant with their seventh child!

Raymond was born to Aliasse Foerster and Minamitsu Murasa. It's their fifth child! He is an Independent Artist.