30 May 2015

Sinister Designs

Hey, Kiba here.

Gensokyo Island somehow hasn't been the same recently, despite having made use of the Time-Space Anomaly to send off a good quantity of travellers from its docks and free up the congestion and overcrowding there. But I don't mean that it has changed, in that it isn't just as filthy and disease-ridden as it was before. In fact, by demanding that no new Gensokyo Island-born travellers make their way to the docks, Okuu's Look-alike has simply made it more visible to the naked eye how pathetically squalid that place is without all those bodies in the way. No, that's not what's different at all.

But I think I feel it when doing my rounds in the evenings, trying to catch some scoop among the houses of Mii Apartments. It's not the nattering of this island's ever-unpleasable residents, ranting and raving about how somesuch or what's his face won't share their bear or disposable diaper or whatever. I've already gotten so used to it I'm able to tune it out of my head naturally.

You know what's bothering me?

Mmm... first Shou Toramaru's Tiger brand Hot Dogs, now her Strawberry too? Let the imagination run wild.

It's the eerie silence.

I mean, I don't want to bring up my memories of Toritori. But the truth is, when the ceaseless caterwauling of babies from just about every other bungalow here at Mii Homes was pushing me to do something reckless, Toritori was there to calm me down and prevent me from losing it completely. But now it's the absolute absence of those very same screams and wails that's driving me nuts.

And it's not that these children don't exist, either. It's been a week or more since we reported the eviction of yet another freeloader their parents are no longer obliged to provide for in their maturity. Perhaps their parents are content to allow them to continue dwelling at their homes and leeching off them in a tender yet disturbing form of neoteny. Or perhaps said parents don't really have a choice, given that Okuu's Look-alike has barred new travellers from being sent to the port for the time being to avoid a repeat of Massacre Monday's debacle.

 And, for that matter, we haven't reported the birth of a new child either, despite several islanders having reiterated their intention to procreate. The world's longest pregnancy? Some new method of incubation? A bit of a mess-up with the alcohol supplement at the cloning vats? Someone's been shooting the stork on the way here? Who knows? After all, it's the lack of an explanation which makes the situation so much more mysterious.

With the lack of any growth or new developments, it feels like time has stopped abruptly. And yet, judging by the evidence, it most certainly hasn't.

Salvatore reports that she's stuck on a desert island with nothing but a deckchair. And Yves has learned to slurp steak. Yeck.

Ironically, it seems that it's the travellers whom Okuu's Look-alike has cast into the time spiral who have actually progressed through time, while Gensokyo Island and all who dwell upon it have remained frozen. Two recent cases, both from the same family, provide a shining example.

Salvatore, the only daughter of Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama, recently wrote back to say that she was fine and well, despite being completely disoriented from her journeys and having nothing to eat beyond a fruity tropical drink and a crab that was still alive at the point of writing. A day later, Yves, the couple's eldest son, managed to charter a boat back to Gensokyo Island using his savings to repay his parents for having faith in his continued survival. 

We tried to stop him for an interview but, being too late, we could not catch much other than a couple of photographs and the fact that Yves has now got quite a few adventures under his belt since we last heard from him. In fact, with four islands visited, he's now tied for joint second place for most islands visited among all of Gensokyo Island's travellers. And yes, that makes him more travelled than me - but I wouldn't say more experienced, given how much I've been forced to adapt to the ordeals that living here has placed upon my back.

But yes, the case of Salvatore and Yves serves to demonstrate a subtle, yet extremely worrying point. Perhaps it is not travellers like them, but rather Gensokyo Island itself, which has somehow been trapped in the mists of time. And perhaps the misuse and overuse of the time-space distortion, or maybe even the policy of temporarily barring new travellers from being sent to the port, may have been responsible for this predicament facing Gensokyo Island and its haplessly oblivious residents.

Not to say that nothing happens around here at all, though...

 Normally news reports like this are just frivolous jokes, but the RNG conspired to make this particular one rather stomach-churning.

Some rather horrific news emerged recently over the airwaves of Gensokyo Island's local broadcasting service (which is, incidentally, far less reliable than even Aya Shameimaru's Bunbunmaru News. And that's saying something.).

In a hideously unfortunate accident, resident supervillain and ecoterrorist Maximillian Magma got his toe caught in a fan, stunning him for one whole minute. It's not clear what exactly that one minute was expended upon, whether it was dashing to preserve his dismembered toe in ice, or otherwise growing a new one in his cloning vat, since he eventually emerged no worse for wear within a short time. 

But the most terrifying of all details had been laid bare before the eyes of the world - the disgusting state of the infamous supervillain's unshod foot, swollen to twice its size as blood flowed ceaselessly from the gaping wound left by the amputated digit, while the toe itself writhed about the planks of his apartment floor animated by the spilling of its ghastly ichor. Lesson to be learnt - don't stick your toe inside a fan, kids.

Oh, so that might be an exaggeration? That he didn't necessarily have his toe sliced right off despite running into a fan with it? Well, call that embellishment for a story designed to bring excitement to the everyday drudgery of Gensokyo Island. Of an island that has been trapped in time by the machinations of its dicator herself.


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 28th May 2015

Traveller Updates
A boat from Mattsland Island arrived. Salvatore departed.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 29th May 2015

Traveller Updates
Salvatore, daughter of Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama, wrote back from Streetpass Relay Point Island! She has visited 0 islands so far.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 30th May 2015

Traveller Updates
Yves returned from Skidoonien Island to visit his parents Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama! He has visited 4 islands so far.

Relationships and Marriage
Junya Ohta and Kyubey Incubator are no longer Best Friends!
Junya Ohta and Koyomi Saigyouji became Best Friends!
Margit Ravelli and Koyomi Saigyouji are no longer Best Friends!

27 May 2015

Alla Carbonari

With the last obstacle removed - that is to say, with the spatially displaced Rebecca having moved on to another island in a perfectly natural, yet completely unplanned way - it's no surprise that Okuu's Look-alike formally announced today that the time-space anomaly would be reactivated for the good of the island. 

Or, as she so eloquently described it, getting your goddamned freeloader kids out of your house, off the streets, and into the real world where abandonment, death, and obliteration lurks behind every corner. You can imagine Gensokyo Island's parents, with their plebeian attitudes toward child-raising, were especially keen to sign their children up for that one.

As representatives of Bunbunmaru Updates, we were naturally invited to record the events that were to unfold for posterity. This time, Okuu's Look-alike reassured us, there would be no repeat of the fiasco which occurred previously and resulted in the deaths of seven helpless travellers, reduced to a bloody mist without even knowing why. The fact that she said so completely devoid of remorse was not especially reassuring to anyone concerned about the fate of those poor souls.

As Okuu's Look-alike threw the switch and resident crackpots Overlord Mao and Maximillian Magma fired the gears of their misbegotten time displacement device into motion, I trained my camera on the port, ready to observe and record the next horrific atrocity to befall Gensokyo Island.

 A sample of the first and last scenes to take place in this iteration of time-space distortion - just to prove that no travellers were harmed.

Underwhelmingly enough, the experiment tamely ceased after three boats had emerged and returned to the mists of time. It was due to fatigue, claimed Okuu's Look-alike, although whose fatigue it was, whether person or machine, remained unexplained. But the ghostly procession did take away Bertrand, Niitaka, and Tabitha, depositing in exchange a curious variety of exotic goods... and a lone traveller by the name of Giuseppe

My standing instructions were, as per the standard operation procedure, to ambush and attempt to recruit any hapless traveller who might find his or her way onto Gensokyo Island, and being the rather magnanimous (or very unfortunate) person that I am, I've so far only had the responsibility of addressing travellers who've been displaced through time and space. First there was Rebecca, then Edwado, and now this Giuseppe. Hmm... according to the records, he seems completely green, having only visited one other island so far and not having a single level or shred of experience upon him. This might be an easy mark...

Ah... as usual, my suppositions ended up being wholly inaccurate.

Mamma mia, that's one really bad case of body odour. I'm not sure why, but he seemed like an old man, so I dyed his hair to look like one.

"Wha... no way! Stay away from me! I heard about you guys! You don't belong in this world!" said Giuseppe, or something very similar to that. And how exactly did he hear about us, when he's been helplessly transported here by forces beyond his control?

"You guys are bloody infamous! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves! The world ill needs a newspaper such as you!" The hell? I'm just the messenger, it's not like I came up with this vile and distasteful plan on my own initiative. But I had no choice but to beat a hasty retreat when he pulled out a crucifix and a bottle of Tap Water (?) and attempted to exorcise me. If I were him I'd save that for the actual demons resident on this island.

But since the element of surprise was lost, I did nothing more than slink away in defeat without actually capturing any especially compromising photographs, apart from one which demonstrated visible stink lines from his distinctly perceptible body odour. It's no surprise that when Okuu's Look-alike showed up with the traveller welcoming package and her other associated torture devices, the first thing she did was to force him into a boiling barrel of water. At least it's a relief that an unfriendly fellow like him got into a stew after all.


Typical, Marisa's always stealing people's precious... that's not Marisa in the photograph, it's Utonium and his giant chin! It's your wits that were stolen!

When later grilled on the success or otherwise of this latest attempt at managing the overwhelming supply of travellers, pressed from Gensokyo Island's children, Okuu's Look-Alike's only response was to say that this was still a work in progress. At least, she added, there were no casualties this time. The blood splatters from previous incident really messed up the paint scheme of the immigration bureau, and it would be quite a bother to have to repaint it again.

Excuses, excuses. What's more important is, did the resort to the use of the time-space distortion help to alleviate the problem of the excessive numbers of children and travellers draining the pep and the get-go from Gensokyo Island's residents? If the lack of meaningful news is anything to go by, it's pretty obvious that the answer is no.

Rumours are flying that Okuu's Look-alike may reactivate the distortion in the next few days to speed up the process of revitalising the island, or otherwise take some more extreme measures. It's still anyone's guess at this point. And as much as Kiba and I would like a new companion and assistant at the Bunbunmaru Updates office, the stark reality of that is that another innocent traveller will likely need to be pulled from across dimensions merely to be incarcerated here with us. If that's not a massive letdown for a scheme so grand, I don't know what is.


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 26th May 2015

Traveller Updates
Chiyoko, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, wrote back from Streetpass Relay Point Island! She has visited 4 islands so far.
A boat from Culonia Island arrived. Bertrand departed.
A boat from KalosGlacy Island arrived. Niitaka departed.
A boat from Virmire Island arrived. Giuseppe of Verona Island alighted, Tabitha departed.


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 27th May 2015

Relationships and Marriage
Ken Izumi and Toyohime Kirisame became Best Friends!

25 May 2015

A Good Day to Die

How long has it been already? I'm starting to feel homesick.

When I arrived here on Gensokyo Island more than three months ago, all fresh-faced and thrilled at the prospect of rubbing shoulders with characters from some of my favourite anime and game series, I was whooping with joy. And now, after three months of toil for longer than I have ever lived for the rest of my existence, unable to go anywhere, being forced into drudgery merely to maintain a standard of living, having to put up with this shaky internet connection, and being ambushed by an online stalker who insists on thrashing me in every single game possible when I do get on... Well, it's no stretch to say that Gensokyo Island has started to feel like a second home already.

Which is why I'm sick of it.

Today, another one of the foreign travellers who've come to visit Gensokyo Island has thrown herself to the mercy of the waves in rather unusual circumstances involving a freakish twist of fate. How shall I begin to describe it? Perhaps the first ominous sign was the randomly generated and usually... usually 100% bogus news Gensokyo Island's residents came up with today.

Best title for a news report ever.

Normally, I'd be a little nonplussed at all these random coincidences that happen every day around the island, but today I was especially unnerved. And just when I decided to take a break from my usual desk job (read, whacking some mooks on some MMO or another) I saw a crowd of residents gathered at the foot of the Mii Apartments building in a circle, gazing at something...

Perhaps one of Gensokyo Island's residents had finally reached the limits of their tolerance and decided to take some extreme measures to end it all. However, considering that about half of those residents are mystical creatures or magic users of some sort, all capable of flying, it would be surprising that a fall of any height would phase them - although honestly I have yet to actually see one of them in flight. As for the other half consisting of relatively normal, and by "normal" I mean more person than mythical beast, I can't guarantee that such a plunge would do them any good.

As it turned out, what they were gathered about to see was not someone's bloodied, battered corpse, but rather something else which no one had any great expectation of ever seeing alive again.

 Hair dyed the colour of vomit is still hair dye, a triumph nonetheless! Welcome back Chiyoko!

It turned out that Chiyoko, one of the unfortunate eight who were sent out on Massacre Monday in exchange for Edwado and seven corpses, has not only survived but somehow found her way back to Gensokyo Island, no worse for wear apart from the mysteriously mangled pronunciation of her name. And, in what is probably the biggest triumph of all, she managed to get her hair dyed! Indeed, it's the culmination of any traveller's existence, to dye in the service of their home island. Y'know, dulce de leche decorum est and all that.

More important at this moment, however, was the story of how exactly she made it back, like her sister Michiko. The long way around? Impossible - given how much time had passed since she left, a span of a mere two weeks, there was no chance of a pale, impoverished traveller owning nothing more than the clothes on their backs managing to wrangle their way back to their home island from halfway across the world. More likely, but more terrifying, was the possibility that the owner of the island that she had last visited...

If the ability to cast travellers across time and space existed, it should not be a surprise if more than just Gensokyo Island and its dictator Okuu's Look-alike had access to that power. As of this moment, the application of such technology on Gensokyo Island is still unrefined, a sort of hit-and-miss, if you like, given that it's unproven that it has a survival rate of over 50%. 

But perhaps someone, some others out there have developed and refined such technology to be able to actually target a specific location or at least someplace close to it. The possibilities are endless. If such was the case, could we send Okuu's Look-alike back to the time of the dinosaurs? I bet she'd fit in perfectly. Especially the rapidly getting devoured by T-Rexes bit of it.

Chiyoko mentioned, just as she was heading back to her chartered boat, that she spotted another craft heading this way at the same time. Perhaps it was another dispatch from the island she came from. Speaking of which, that rich kid Yugen asked me for the loan of the office camera to grab some pictures of her departure, or so he said... hmm...

 From England to America to Japan, not bad if I say so myself. And Retro Dresses? The island's owner has some wacky tastes.

Wait... wasn't that girl Rebecca from that faraway place the first in line at the port? Not to mention, she got here through the time-space anomaly, didn't she? So if she ever wanted a chance of going home, she could have tried her luck with Okuu's Look-alike's plans to revive the time-space anomaly again, but... if it just so happened that a ship pulled up unannounced... So! That's quite a journey she's on, from another time and place, here to Gensokyo Island, and then leaving by the traditional method to another place. What can I say?

I don't know how to feel. The reassurance that I'm still alive every day will continue for as long as I'm here on Gensokyo Island, and yet it is the destiny of a traveller to, y'know, travel. And to risk death at every turn, whether it be through natural disasters, malice, or being randomly pulverised into a cloud of blood droplets by an unkind accident of fate. Which path leads to a better chance of survival? Which path leads to adventure? Two conflicting priorities facing every one of us.

Perhaps it needs a moment of stepping out of the box and re-examining the situation from a fresh perspective to come to any sort of judgement on it. Or maybe it's... it's because I still can't stop worrying about her. With Rebecca gone (and we're certainly not talking to Layla the mysterious witch-like waif waiting at the port), there isn't a single female foreign traveller left at the Bunbunmaru News office. If only... if only there was someone I could talk to, who knew our struggles and sufferings as travellers, who had a word of kindness or reassurance.

Well, I suppose I could have asked Rebecca while she was here. But she'd probably tell me to get on with it and bugger off already. And, on her part, she's definitely followed her own advice.

On yer bike, Rebecca.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 24th May 2015

Traveller Updates
Chiyoko returned from Alexandria Island to visit her parents Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu! She has visited 3 islands so far.
A boat from Sakura Island arrived. Rebecca of Caldy Island departed.

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 25th May 2015

  

23 May 2015

A Short Reprieve

...

'ey. Ain't that... OI! Rich boy!

... heh... It's a rather odd sensation, but this is one time when I wouldn't object to having someone yell at me.

Yeah? Wel,, 'urry on back an' tell 'at tosser Okuu's Look-alike to bloody get on wit' it already. It ain't like we've got all day down 'ere y'know?

Well, Rebecca, the truth is that, actually we do. Okuu's Look-alike has been running about Gensokyo Island the whole day today after the residents suddenly sprung into a flurry of activity. She hasn't had any time to consort with the local mad scientists regarding reactivating the time-space anomaly, indeed, the whole thing's been temporarily called off for now.

Wot? Y' don't say? Right after I wrote that letter to our so-called former boss Aya Shameimaru sayin' she was a rotten journalist and a flippin' exploiter of child labour to boot. I'm 'opin' she didn't send you down 'ere just to get some more scoop about me!

No, it's nothing like that at all. I came here on my own initiative, just to share a bit of the latest news about what we've found out with you. Besides, you must be famished out here now that you can't avail yourself of the pantry back at the office. Fancy a bit of dessert?

Yikes! I'd eat it if it wasn't for the eyes... and also that I need Soft-Serve Ice Cream in my collection.

Um.... nah, I'm good over 'ere. Don't worry yer silly little 'ead on my behalf. (Besides... ick. What the 'eck even is that?!)

Ah, all right then. But you may have noticed that another mail ship pulled up at the docks recently, did you not? It seems that they've delivered some news which has sent the residents of Gensokyo Island into a little tizzy of celebration, explaining the sudden flurry of activity in these parts.

Mail ship? No, I don't recall anything. Per'aps I was distracted wit' layin' out my duffle here while waitin' for the arrival of my ride.

Perhaps, yes. But it turns out yet another of the travellers sent out during that infamous Massacre Monday, as well as the one most recently activated over the weekend, have found their way to shore and have reached a safe camping spot, at least for the moment. It turns out that the places, or should we say times that the time-space anomaly has been linking to have not been found to be all that distant after all, if travellers sent there are able to communicate so easily.

Well, I can't say I can tell if I've exactly been pulled through time myself. But when I see that other girl Layla, and the number of wrinkles and age spots she's got, I get just a li'l worried. 

I suppose you are right. But it seems that the chance of travellers being annihilated - outgoing ones from Gensokyo Island, at least - now stands at 50% or better. As for those incoming, however, their continued presence on this mortal coil cannot be guaranteed.

That's the tallest monkey I've ever seen, Chiyoko... oh, not referring to that photo. And is that Nintendo's Bill Trinen having a stab at Hibachi?

So, according to these reports, Chiyoko, the daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu (and whose name is horribly mispronounced for some reason), who was sent off during the tragic events of Massacre Monday, has not only managed to survive her initial landing but has already found her way to the third island of her travels. Meanwhile, Hibachi, the youngest son of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug, who was hastily cast into the time portal last weekend, has also managed to survive and reach his first island. Where a Nintendo staff member lives, apparently.

That's well and good, Yugen, and so what does 'at say for my survival? That th' odds aren't really all that bad? 

Well... if what I overheard from Okuu's Look-alike is true, she's of the mentality that you managed to get here somehow, so you can probably go back with no problem at all. Not the most reassuring, that's for certain, but that's all I know.

Nnn.... haha, so much for those promises of castin' me back into the mists of time. Bloody politicians, never should've expected 'em to keep a promise. And what's the bloody tosspot doin' at this moment in time?

Hmm, if I recall correctly, she was busy entertaining a couple of babies who've been born recently. Or would it be more accurate to say, entertaining their parents and hoping that they'd send a Travel Ticket or two her way. How utilitarian, and yet more likely than not ultimately futile.

Specimen 1: A typical case of Out-of-Body Syndrome. Specimen 2: A typical case of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

It seems like Gensokyo Island's residents clearly have their children's future careers in mind when they named them - by which I mean giving them a weird and interesting name so that owners of other islanders will get a little chuckle out of meeting them. Gary Oak and his wife Evil Spirit Mima clearly had Pokémon on the brain, while Suika Ibuki simply had copious amounts of vodka (and it's pretty much universally agreed that what's in Ken Izumi's head can't really pass for a brain).

But wait... I thought th' whole purpose of this timey-wimey chicanery was 'cause explorers and babies were 'avin some kinda effect on th' island. And now th' assembly line's back on at the baby factory?

Who knows... I bet even Okuu's Look-alike doesn't understand it. Much less when she went around later looking at the pregnancy test results several other islanders had handed her. There's a lot that we still can't explain with sufficient accuracy, but if Okuu's Look-alike wants to keep the baby factory going, it'll keep rolling. 
I'm in despair... for science! And sadism! I'm not one to let something prissy like Malthusian economics bother my islanders.

Overlord Mao and Yuuka Kazami were considering their fourth and fifth child respectively, while Nozomu Itoshiki and his wife Reisen Udongein Inaba finally clocked in for duty by announcing their plans for their first child. I wonder, how many children is that already on Gensokyo Island? More than enough to drive anyone to despair... or possibly genocide. What a torrid tale!

Ya don't say. 'avin' to live out 'ere once again, under the scorchin' sun and relentless rain, surrounded by th' stench of rotting fish and sh@#$%&*te, and sharin' these stinking public toilets with all these other layabouts... treasure your life in that Bunbunbun... whatever newspaper office, Yugen, 'cause it bloody sucks out 'ere. Maybe it's so bad that it makes you feel so glad to leave, and it dulls your senses so y' don't feel it when yer life is suddenly ripped from yer body. 

That sounds... uncannily sensible somehow. It's like someone had this all planned out from the beginning. And, well, if there's anything I can do to help at this moment, Rebecca... 

Y' ain't proposition' me, are ya?

N.... no, of course not. I meant, I'm just trying to be a gentleman here and help a lady out. if there's something I can get you...

Y' can probably get yourself gone at this rate. There's nothing more y' can do for me. Like I said,  whatever 'appens, 'appens. If I live, I get to see a new place. And if I die, I get t' go home at last.

W... what kind of logic is that? I mean, you can't... you don't just...

Shut up, you, and don't worry your little 'ead about it. I'll be fine, whatever 'appens. I promise. A lady's promise. Now be off with you!


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 21st May 2015

Children
Tamako, daughter of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug, grew up. She was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 22nd May 2015

Traveller Updates
Chiyoko, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, wrote back from Odessia Island! She has visited 3 islands so far.
Hibachi, son of Kyouko Kasodani and Wriggle Nightbug, wrote back from Dokoro Island! He has visited 1 island so far.

Children
Fantine was born to Evil Spirit Mima and Gary Oak. It's their second child! She is an Outgoing Trendsetter.
Iosif was born to Suika Ibuki and Ken Izumi. It's their first child! He is an Independent Artist.
Overlord Mao announced that his wife Patchouli Knowledge was pregnant with their fourth child!
Nozomu Itoshiki announced that his wife Reisen Udongein Inaba was pregnant with their first child!
Yuuka Kazami announced that she was pregnant with Augustine Sycamore's fifth child! 

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 23rd May 2015

 

20 May 2015

Uncommon Sense

Hey, hello. It's Rebecca here for what's going to be the final report I'm writing for Bunbunmaru Updates. So let's make it a good one!

What? I sound unusually cheerful? Well, Kiba, clearly you don't understand the intricacies of a girl's heart. What I say sounds different from what I write, what I feel is different from what I express, when I say "yeah" I really mean "no way", and when I say "nah..." I actually mean "I really really want it so bad"... uh, just forget that last one, m'kay?

Yeah, I'm scared, I'm bloody terrified, I am, but put it this way. That's only come about because I knew of the risks I was facing. If, like those poor travellers who've been reduced to a cloud of blood droplets, I encountered death without expecting it, I wouldn't have felt a shard of fear in my body. If I had been annihilated in an instant without knowing it, I wouldn't have felt the slightest bit of pain.

It makes sense, doesn't it? From where I grew up, it's just common sense. That's how I'm coping with my fear, by knowing that however much I worry won't change my ultimate fate. Now on with my final report.

What a tall story.

Adding another one to the list of fantastic stories which have yet to find their way into the news archives is the astounding revelation of Miko Toyosatomimi's new attempt to garner faith and admiration from her fellow Gensokyo Island residents by imbibing a secret serum to lengthen her legs to titanic proportions. 

After being confronted by Armin Arlert and Shinmyoumaru Sukuna, Gensokyo Island's resident titan slayers, she was forced to reveal that it was obviously just a sham. It's surprising how everyone took so long to pick up that she was merely just wearing the world's stonking tallest pair of platform shoes. But wasn't it obvious all along? It's not like that part of her got any longer or anything.

What part? You remember she's supposed to be a Prince, right? Come on, isn't it just common sense?

Her what? If it wasn't for the colour-draining effect, you'd get the impression that they're both horrified. In their own way.

Ack, all right! Speaking of a Miko, now with that imitation out of the way, let's move on to today's real news story, and that the party that was thrown today for Gensokyo Island's resident youkai buster and main character, the sexy and alluring shrine maiden...

Sanae Kochiya, of course. Surely you can't be thinking of that lazy and impoverished armpit shrine maiden in the red and white. Plus, whenever one considers attractive female characters one always first thinks about their... designs, of course. I mean, Sanae has that cute frog and snake hair accessories, and that paddle, and that polka-dot dress. And of course bigger knockers than that other one, so that obviously makes her better...

What do you mean Reimu Hakurei is collecting bomb pieces even as I speak? Ah, it wouldn't do me much good to get myself killed even before having the opportunity to get vaporised by the time-space distortion, so I should stop stating the facts and get back to fibbing and taking the piss.

 Why is today Sanae's birthday, anyway? Who knows? And why does Maxie show up at just about everyone's birthday party?

I'm not the kind of person who's normally generous with compliments so no doubt there must be a reason why I've got so many good words for Sanae, and that's all because I was invited to her birthday party for a slice of cake and a spot of booze... uh, I meant tea. In exchange for writing up a very special and totally unbiased report about how great she is, of course. 

I heard that Gensokyo Island has a practice of writing flattering articles about each of its residents in turn, and naturally I was a little miffed at not being able to partake of this tradition before leaving despite having worked as a junior reporter. So, I took it upon myself, as a little surprise, to provide the next iteration in the series, featuring the new and improved shrine maiden of Gensokyo Island, the worker of miracles, Sanae Kochiya! It's just common sense!

I... is that a giant Yin-Yang ball heading straight for me? D... dang it. Where's a titan football player when you really need one?


Sanae Kochiya
All information correct as of 20 May 2015

 All right, impostor shrine maiden, it's just between you and me. Neko Miko Reimu vs Queen of Hearts, Sanae!

Name: Sanae Kochiya
Nickname: Sanae
Date of Birth: 20th May 1996
Personality: Confident Adventurer
Favourite Colour: Dark Blue
Quotation: "Go Moriya Shrine" 

Sanae Kochiya is a main character and a former antagonist from the Touhou Project series by Team Shanghai Alice. She first appeared in the tenth game, Mountain of Faith, as the Stage 5 Boss character, and returned in the following game Subterranean Animism as the Extra Stage Mid-Boss character. Following that, she appeared as a playable character in all but one subsequent main series game, including the upcoming fifteenth game Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom, as well as a playable character and possible opponent in the fighting game Touhou Hisoutensoku.

Sanae was originally a girl working as a shrine maiden at the Moriya Shrine in the outside world, who was transported along with the rest of the shrine when its resident goddess Kanako Yasaka decided to move to Gensokyo to collect faith from youkai rather than humans who no longer believed in gods. As a result, she's often characterised in a manner similar to a typical Japanese schoolgirl, being somewhat ditzy and airheaded, but also bearing an interest in pop culture and technology.

However, Sanae is no ordinary girl, because she is actually a distant descendant of her shrine's other goddess and former owner Suwako Moriya, and as a result she has the power to work miracles as a "living god" that is part god and part human. What these miracles actually are exactly is difficult to explain, but as with most Gensokyo residents any powers usually translate to shooting danmaku and blowing up one's opponents in a typhoon of pretty colours. Sanae is extremely devoted to Kanako and Suwako, her shrine's resident goddesses, and will stop at nothing to carry out their orders to gather faith for the Moriya Shrine, including exterminating hostile youkai in brutal and unrelenting ways.

Here on Gensokyo Island, it's obviously impossible to translate Sanae's canonical relationships with Kanako and Suwako into actual in-game relationships, beyond merely being friends. While they do have their share of disagreements, it's telling that Sanae tends to get along pretty well with both of them at the very least. I can't explain why they weren't at Sanae's birthday party, though, maybe they were too busy fighting each other to bother to turn up.

Baldren might be a nasty piece of work, but his wife Sanae and eldest daughter Hinoko are on a whole other level of crazy.

Husband: Baldren Gassenarl
Best Friend: Tadakichi Mihama
Children: Adwin, Hinoko Gassenarl, Kyrie, Tristan

The psychotic, genocidial Baldren Gassenarl and the psychotic, genocidial Sanae Kochiya might seem like an odd couple, but... oh, who am I kidding. They are perfect for each other! So perfect, in fact, that they are the first married couple on the island of whom both husband and wife are of the same personality group. 

While much has been said about Baldren and Sanae's whirlwind romance and courtship in Baldren's character introduction, perhaps a little should be said here about the nature of their decidedly twisted offspring. Their second child and eldest daughter, Hinoko Gassenarl, was invited to become a resident of Gensokyo Island, while their other children Adwin, Kyrie, and Tristan became travellers. So this naturally begs the question - why pick the original character Hinoko to stay? And why's her name a little different from the rest? There's another convoluted story behind that one.

Adwin, Baldren and Sanae's first child, is the only one that's named after an actual character from a game's lore - it's the name of Baldren's pet dog. I originally didn't think much of him, as he had the personality of an Easygoing Optimist, which I thought was unusually milquetoast. And then, when it came to the time to decide whether he should stay or leave, I realised I actually liked how he turned out, a model of his dad but with his mom's eyes and nose making his look not so creepy. But I already had the slot for an Easygoing Optimist on the island filled at the time - occupied by Mitsukuni Haninozuka, so I felt I had no choice but to send him off... or so I thought.

A little too late did I realise that since Honey was new and had no relationships at the time, it was fair game for me to delete him and replace his slot with Adwin, and then add Honey again later. But it was too late, once the "Move Out" button has been selected, it can't be taken back... and so Adwin goes down in history as probably the only traveller I wish I could have kept as a resident (another possibly being Reimu Hakurei and Junya Ohta's first child Reiko). As a sort of compensation to the bereaved parents, I decided to let their second child stay regardless of her qualities and attributes, and thus we have Hinoko the Japanophile otaku on Gensokyo Island today.

Hinoko simply refers to her fondness for all things Japan, since it's the Land of the Rising Sun, and a Japanese name would fit her best. Kyrie obviously refers to Baldren's favourite obsession, the eponymous Valkyria of Valkyria Chronicles, while Tristan means "sadness", which is an appropriate name for a town that's been destroyed several times over... no, wait, that's Tristram. But it's almost the same thing. It's how I felt about Adwin being lost to the waves forever.

Adwin in the spiky hair, Hinoko in the dress, and the lower two are Kyrie and Tristan. Astonishingly appropriate appearances, they have.

Food Preferences:
Favourite: Frozen Treat
Worst: Fried Egg
Worst Ever: Flan

Okuu's Look-alike Rating - Flan: Really Like! Really, how can Sanae hate the wibbly wobbly pudding that much? Yeah, it can be sickly sweet or flat and bland when it's done badly, which is why I don't rank it higher myself, but it's a great treat every once in a while. When it's well done, you can actually taste the difference in composition and texture between the orange and brown bits of it!

Maybe Sanae just has some really bad memories of Flandre Scarlet or something.

 Gary Oak tells a dirty joke about Sanae and Suwako Moriya, while Kanako Yasaka cuts to the chase and tells a dirty joke to Sanae.

Apartment: Apt. 406
Islander Rating: Average Tier

Despite what Gary Oak claims above (that scheming bastard), Sanae and Suwako are not actually neighbours at Mii Apartments, nor is she a neighbour to Kanako. Although the ideas to introduce all three of them were conceived together, Sanae was added to the island first, along with her neighbour Ramza Beoulve, in order to balance out the personalities and gender ratio and to give some time to come up with ideas for characters to introduce alongside Kanako and Suwako. As such, she's actually a member of the more senior fourth tier of islanders, while her superiors are actually junior to her in rank, belonging to the fifth tier of islanders.

Sanae's actually done pretty well for herself in building up her clout on the island. Despite being introduced later than the other characters in the fourth tier, she's mostly caught up to the lowest-ranked of their number due to having almost all her food preferences spaded out. However, that shortage of an All-Time Favourite is the one thing preventing her from surging into the frontlines.

Sanae mostly demands clothes, which are easy demands to fulfil, along with hats and accessories. In contrast she quite likes her psychedelic new-age room and has yet to want to trade it for anything else. As such, she's surprisingly easy to please among Gensokyo Island residents. She also has a knack for surprising Okuu's Look-alike by always coming up with a witty quip, even in dreams when she turns the tables on the character attempting to prank her. If she has a demerit to her it's that she has a hard time building up relationships with other characters - her relationship with Baldren nearly never improves to the maximum, and she frequently gets in fights with just about anyone. But what else is a youkai exterminator to do on a demon-infested island like this one?

Through her wit and cunning, Sanae has established herself as a strong character on Gensokyo Island in her own right. She might have touches of the crazy and the genocidial inclination endemic on Gensokyo Island, but she's not the green-blue Player 2 to the red-white Reimu, nor is she a dependant to her house gods Kanako and Suwako, but is practically an equal to them. So don't be held back by common sense - add Sanae Kochiya to your island today!

 There isn't really anything that approximates her outfit that closely, so how about this coat with the same pattern as her skirt?


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 18th May 2015


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 19th May 2015

Children
Ken Izumi announced that his wife Suika Ibuki was pregnant with their first child!

Gensokyo Gourmands
Desco Kazamatsuri tried a Gummy Candy today. She thought it was the Worst Ever!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 20th May 2015

Happy 19th Birthday, Sanae Kochiya!    

18 May 2015

After a Fashion

Hey... hey, Rebecca, today's our turn to write up the assignment once again. And why are you dressed like such a ruffian if you're to interview the various residents of Gensokyo Island?

Wha... it don't matter, do it? We're flippin' explorers, it ain't like they're expectin' all 'at much from us. B'sides, I got most of my kit in the laundromat, and all I've got left are the clothes on my back.

I really don't understand you sometimes. Why would you toss all of your attire into the washing machine anyway? And why do you speak like that when your previous editorial shows you're perfectly capable of writing normally?

People ain't as simple as y'think they are, ya bloody toff. Din't yer ever read nothin' by Dahl's Chickens? Now just shut yer trap and let's get on w' the job.

Er, pardon? Never mind, she just seems really riled up. Do the less fortunate members of society behave like this all the time? I do believe that lifestyle choices have the impact of transforming one's personality, and it is no doubt that the limited options available to those from insufficiently privileged walks of life have led them down less savoury paths. Even something as basic as one's choice of clothing can reflect on the nature and likely conduct of any one individual.

Youmu goes back tos chool, while Kyubey hocks some merrch. Wshes, and Yuyuko's meals, don't pay for themselves, y'know!

As for Gensokyo Island's denizens, one thing I have to give Okuu's Look-alike credit for is for keeping every resident on sartorial adequacy. Beginning with the point at which they are entitled to receive clothing as gifts, upon reaching 'Level 20' or whatever that might be, Okuu's Look-alike has made sure to grant them the most expensive and thus most status-conferring attire with each opportunity. 

In particular, their very first gift is almost certainly the gem-encrusted Jewel Dress, worth a respectable $9990. Should the individual in question be desiring a hat at that point, they will be awarded a $1000 Regal Crown. Many unpleasant things have been said about Okuu's Look-alike in the time that I have been here, but not being generous is mostly certainly not one of them.

Beyond those initial offerings, the gifts slowly decrease in value until they reach the $100 mark and below, although this simply cannot be helped since not all items can possibly have the same value. It is interesting to note how Okuu's Look-alike confers gifts of clothing based on the character's gender presented - male characters receive male things, female characters receive female things, and female characters presenting as male receive ample compensation for their sacrifice by enjoying both sets of gifts. Naturally, this means that each character doesn't always like the gift they receive, but an individual's personal approval is obviously irrelevant compared to the benefits of possessing valuable items that enhance their social status on the island.

When left to their own devices, however... Gensokyo Island's residents have rather questionable choices in attire. Especially when, like today, they make unusually specific requests regarding the items they'd like to receive. How would I describe it? In a word ... "alternative".

Wriggle's bitten by the baseball bug, while Recette's puts the grass in Lemongrass, if you know what I mean.

In the meantime, Rebecca here has prepared a special report on... hey, Rebecca? Where's she gone? She was here just a minute ago... ah, there she is, she's just got back with some of the most recent updates. So, what news do you bring, Rebecca... you're looking rather pale there. Did something bad happen?

Ah, 's nothing, I'm just ... a li'l tired is all. I've got some of th' latest dirt on comin's and goin's here on Gensokyo Island. Most specifically, that on th' child-exportin' front. You c'n 'ave it while I... I take a bit of a breather.

Why, that's excellent. Toss it over here and we'll go through it together. Hm... so according to this report... what? One of Gensokyo Island's children has not only survived the time-space distortion, but also somehow managed to find their way back to visit their parents for a time? How's such a thing even possible? No wonder you're all white, Rebecca!

N... no, it ain't that in particular, 's just that...

So how did Michiko, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, who was sent off with Toritori and the other six travellers in that horrific disaster of a trans-dimensional exchange, manage to actually return from there? Not just that, but she's also brought a letter from Yves, Tia Arlert and Tadakichi Mihama's son, and Chiyo and Shiki Eiki's eldest grandchild. I mean, the letter might be late and outdated compared to the one we've already received, but to actually come back in person... that's quite a feat!

Yves finds out that dating letters properly is hard, while Michiko inflates her eyeballs to the point of popping. Now you too!

I mean, how's that even possible? Remember what happened the last time? Edwado, the guy who was permanently traumatised after being drenched in a mist of blood formed from the obliterated bodies of his former travelling companions? Now it turns out that the third of the eight Gensokyo Island sent through that maelstrom may have made it through after all. No doubt Kiba's worries will be alleviated further by this news.

But hey, Yugen... don't you realise? There's no way a kid like us c'ld zip through time 'n space just under their own power, y' know? She must've found ' er way back some other way!

Some other way? Well, it's possible that the person running the island where Michiko visited might have encountered problems similar to the ones faced here on Gensokyo Island, and so they might have established contact with the time-space anomaly as well. It's unlikely but it's definitely not too far-fetched to be a possibility. If tampering with the time stream is such an everyday affair on this island it wouldn't be a surprise if other places could do it too...

Well, yes, but that's not what I meant! Look ' ere at these pics, I'll show you.

 Looks like Tenku's blasting off again... well, for the first time, actually. And Yuuko II's piggy little nose is... pretty hideous, actually.

So Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika just packed their tenth child, Tenku, off as a traveller, and Yuyuko Saigyouji and Maximillian Magma just got their third child Yuuko II ready to... wait a minute. What does it mean here by "We'll have to wait a little longer until..."

Don't ya get it? You still remember what 'appened last week? Those eight kids? Well, whatever way in which it 'elped Gensokyo Island, 't's now over! We're gonna 'aveta do it again! And this time...

Wait, you mean all those travellers were minced up for nothing? Well, not for nothing, actually. Gensokyo Island did return to a regular level of functioning according to both Okuu's Look-alike and Kiba's testimony. But now all that's about to come to an end again? That's a really horrible thought, I can't imagine that seven of those eight travellers that followed Edwado here died just for a week's respite!

Not just that! Don't you see how Michiko managed to find 'er way back again, even if for a time? That Okuu's Look-alike threw the switch for that... timey-wimey thingy, again! And this time, 'eld it open just long enough for one explorer to get through. Buy us a li'l time until we 'ave gotta do it again!

What?! Why didn't you bring this up earlier? And do you have any evidence of that?
I guess y' can feast your eyes, mate.

 Let's do the time warp ag... oh, who am I kidding. It's not going to end, is it? Not that I really want it to end.

Wait... Rebecca, is that you at the front of the queue now? And that's Layla in the purple hair, the weird girl who Kiba said put on a hundred years overnight in a weird Howl's Moving Castle sort of way. Why didn't you bring this up earlier?

I... I was afraid.  And that's why I din't wanna show it to you. Yeah, I was so bloody terrified. I was told things would be more controlled now, and yet... and besides, these snaps were given to me.

Given? By whom? Who took these photographs?
Kiba. Said it was th' last thing he could do t' honour Toritori and 'er memory, was to work with Okuu's Look-alike to make this time... timey-wimey procedure secured. Made safe for travel. So that no other explorer would ever suffer th' same fate as those kids.

I see... so it was during this temporary distortion that Michiko managed to sneak back onto the island. And in the very near future, all of this will happen again, but hopefully in a more controlled fashion. For the safety of all the travellers involved. It's a sobering thought indeed.

Yeah. Never thought I'd even make it 'ere to Gensokyo Island under such circumstances, and now t' go back again through 'em? I got cold feet just thinking about it... but as they say, death is just a return home, after all. 

Wait, what? You can't seriously be thinking of...

Whatever 'appens, 'appens. That's just how it is.


BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 16th May 2015

Traveller Updates
Michiko returned from Breezie Island to visit her parents Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu! She has visited 2 islands so far.
A boat from Verania Island arrived. Hibachi departed.

Relationships and Marriage
Augustine Sycamore and Toyohime Kirisame are no longer Best Friends!

Children
Tenku, son of Utsuho Reiuji and Rinnosuke Morichika, grew up. He was made to leave Gensokyo Island and become a traveller!

BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 17th May 2015

Relationships and Marriage
Chiyo Mihama and Kaguya Houraisan became Best Friends!

Children
Gary Oak announced that his wife Evil Spirit Mima was pregnant with their second child!

Gensokyo Gourmands
Unyuho Reiuji tried some Blue Cheese today. It's her All-Time Favourite food!