Or, as she so eloquently described it, getting your goddamned freeloader kids out of your house, off the streets, and into the real world where abandonment, death, and obliteration lurks behind every corner. You can imagine Gensokyo Island's parents, with their plebeian attitudes toward child-raising, were especially keen to sign their children up for that one.
As representatives of Bunbunmaru Updates, we were naturally invited to record the events that were to unfold for posterity. This time, Okuu's Look-alike reassured us, there would be no repeat of the fiasco which occurred previously and resulted in the deaths of seven helpless travellers, reduced to a bloody mist without even knowing why. The fact that she said so completely devoid of remorse was not especially reassuring to anyone concerned about the fate of those poor souls.
As Okuu's Look-alike threw the switch and resident crackpots Overlord Mao and Maximillian Magma fired the gears of their misbegotten time displacement device into motion, I trained my camera on the port, ready to observe and record the next horrific atrocity to befall Gensokyo Island.
A sample of the first and last scenes to take place in this iteration of time-space distortion - just to prove that no travellers were harmed.
Underwhelmingly enough, the experiment tamely ceased after three boats had emerged and returned to the mists of time. It was due to fatigue, claimed Okuu's Look-alike, although whose fatigue it was, whether person or machine, remained unexplained. But the ghostly procession did take away Bertrand, Niitaka, and Tabitha, depositing in exchange a curious variety of exotic goods... and a lone traveller by the name of Giuseppe.
My standing instructions were, as per the standard operation procedure, to ambush and attempt to recruit any hapless traveller who might find his or her way onto Gensokyo Island, and being the rather magnanimous (or very unfortunate) person that I am, I've so far only had the responsibility of addressing travellers who've been displaced through time and space. First there was Rebecca, then Edwado, and now this Giuseppe. Hmm... according to the records, he seems completely green, having only visited one other island so far and not having a single level or shred of experience upon him. This might be an easy mark...
Ah... as usual, my suppositions ended up being wholly inaccurate.
Mamma mia, that's one really bad case of body odour. I'm not sure why, but he seemed like an old man, so I dyed his hair to look like one.
"Wha... no way! Stay away from me! I heard about you guys! You don't belong in this world!" said Giuseppe, or something very similar to that. And how exactly did he hear about us, when he's been helplessly transported here by forces beyond his control?
"You guys are bloody infamous! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves! The world ill needs a newspaper such as you!" The hell? I'm just the messenger, it's not like I came up with this vile and distasteful plan on my own initiative. But I had no choice but to beat a hasty retreat when he pulled out a crucifix and a bottle of Tap Water (?) and attempted to exorcise me. If I were him I'd save that for the actual demons resident on this island.
But since the element of surprise was lost, I did nothing more than slink away in defeat without actually capturing any especially compromising photographs, apart from one which demonstrated visible stink lines from his distinctly perceptible body odour. It's no surprise that when Okuu's Look-alike showed up with the traveller welcoming package and her other associated torture devices, the first thing she did was to force him into a boiling barrel of water. At least it's a relief that an unfriendly fellow like him got into a stew after all.
Typical, Marisa's always stealing people's precious... that's not Marisa in the photograph, it's Utonium and his giant chin! It's your wits that were stolen!
When later grilled on the success or otherwise of this latest attempt at managing the overwhelming supply of travellers, pressed from Gensokyo Island's children, Okuu's Look-Alike's only response was to say that this was still a work in progress. At least, she added, there were no casualties this time. The blood splatters from previous incident really messed up the paint scheme of the immigration bureau, and it would be quite a bother to have to repaint it again.
Excuses, excuses. What's more important is, did the resort to the use of the time-space distortion help to alleviate the problem of the excessive numbers of children and travellers draining the pep and the get-go from Gensokyo Island's residents? If the lack of meaningful news is anything to go by, it's pretty obvious that the answer is no.
Rumours are flying that Okuu's Look-alike may reactivate the distortion in the next few days to speed up the process of revitalising the island, or otherwise take some more extreme measures. It's still anyone's guess at this point. And as much as Kiba and I would like a new companion and assistant at the Bunbunmaru Updates office, the stark reality of that is that another innocent traveller will likely need to be pulled from across dimensions merely to be incarcerated here with us. If that's not a massive letdown for a scheme so grand, I don't know what is.
BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 26th May 2015
Traveller Updates
Chiyoko, daughter of Chiyo Mihama and Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, wrote back from Streetpass Relay Point Island! She has visited 4 islands so far.
A boat from Culonia Island arrived. Bertrand departed.
A boat from KalosGlacy Island arrived. Niitaka departed.
A boat from Virmire Island arrived. Giuseppe of Verona Island alighted, Tabitha departed.
BUNBUNMARU UPDATES, 27th May 2015
Relationships and Marriage
Ken Izumi and Toyohime Kirisame became Best Friends!
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